ArgusJokes.com

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-4-08

2008-07-04T01:07:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Independence Day, everybody, and God bless America.

The Music Man airs tonight on Turner Classic Movies as it does every Independence Day. The movie is set at the end of the horse-and-buggy era. Viewers today think it's charming that folks still had enough money to buy band uniforms after they filled up the horse.

The National Beer Wholesalers said Monday Independence Day is the biggest beer-selling weekend all year. It's a three-day escape from the workplace. People may forget the holiday celebrates independence from Great Britain, but tyranny is tyranny.

The Automobile Club predicted Tuesday fewer Americans will be driving anywhere on Independence Day. It's due to astronomical gas prices. Gasoline prices are so high in Los Angeles that rap music moguls are having their shoot-outs on the Internet.

Men's Health released a report Monday urging men to have an active sex life as they grow older. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are much less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it.

Alex Rodriguez gave a teen cancer patient and his dad a ride to Yankee Stadium in his SUV Tuesday. He brought them into the locker room and gave them bats, balls and jerseys. The next day the Boston newspapers ripped A-Rod for driving a gas guzzler.

George Washington's boyhood home was excavated in rural Virginia Tuesday. They found no cherry tree, no cherry tree stump and no hatchet. People are so convinced that all politicians lie that they've been digging for seven years just to confirm it.

Kentucky police arrested a woman in a prostitution sweep in Fort Wright Monday for trading sex for gasoline. The woman was willing to do absolutely anything for oil. It seems like everybody's auditioning to be John McCain's running mate this week.

Rush Limbaugh signed an eight-year deal with Clear Channel Radio Tuesday. It's no wonder they locked him up for eight years. Until Hillary Clinton can run for president again it's going to take a real professional to get any laughs on the radio.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper's State of the City speech was sabotaged Wednesday by a black woman hired to sing the National Anthem. She sang the black national anthem instead. It's the last time he books a singer from the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.

Barack Obama gave a speech Wednesday to promote expanding national service. He wants every college student to serve fifty hours in exchange for a four thousand dollar tuition tax credit. And if you serve one hundred hours you can have it in beer.

John McCain shook up his campaign Wednesday and hired Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign manager, Steve Schmidt. He's just what the candidate needs. Anybody who can make a Republican out of a Hollywood actor might make a Republican out of John McCain.

John McCain went on a fact-finding trip to Latin America Wednesday. While he was in Colombia he went riding on a drug interdiction speedboat called the Midnight Express. It was the first indication that the Republicans have written off California.

Hillary Clinton cleaned up her campaign web site and removed all attack videos against Barack Obama Wednesday. She has also removed all photos of her husband. Anybody can now get to Hillary Clinton's web site by logging onto www.Men-Are-Dogs.com.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-3-08

2008-07-03T01:10:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House admitted Monday tomatoes might not contain salmonella bacteria after all. No one apologized. Even though inspectors haven't found one dangerous organism, President Bush says that the world is a safer place without Farmer McGregor.

President Robert Mugabe threatened Friday to cut off the hands of anybody in Zimbabwe who didn't vote for him. Thank goodness it didn't come to that. His opponent dropped out, or California wouldn't have been the only state to go hands-free this week.

California outlawed handheld cellular phones in cars Tuesday, infuriating Los Angeles drivers. They can talk on a phone, drink coffee, shoot the idiot who cuts them off and steer the car with their knees, all at the same time. You can't reverse evolution.

General Motors reported a steep drop in SUV sales Tuesday. The same day, polls said high gas prices are the top issue for three-fourths of the American people. This is the first quantifiable proof that one-fourth of the American people are Amish.

China issued an alert Tuesday for algae infestation where Olympic water events will be held. Track and field events will be in smog-ridden Beijing. U.S. athletes are training for China by smoking two packs of cigarettes per day and eating tomatoes.

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl is a box-office hit about a girl who helps her family survive hard economic times. It sounds increasingly like today. Last Sunday tourists saw Ed McMahon in an antique store in Beverly Hills, for six hundred dollars.

California's Wine Country was threatened by brushfires on Tuesday as marijuana plants burned up north. Firefighters are battling to save the hippie lifestyle. Next they'll have to put out that burning sensation that often results from Free Love.

John McCain spoke in Indianapolis Tuesday and backed free trade with Canada and with Mexico. It has to be just right. Heaven is Canadian culture, Mexican food and American know-how, while hell is Canadian food, American culture and Mexican know-how.

Former NATO commander General Wesley Clark denounced John McCain Tuesday, saying a president needs judgment, not just courage. Nine years ago in Bosnia, Clark ordered a NATO attack on Russian soldiers at Pristina Airport, which a British general refused to obey, avoiding World War III. So Wesley Clark knows a thing or two about bad judgment.

President Bush visited a credit counseling company in Little Rock, Arkansas, Tuesday. The president said he thinks he can get a deal with Congress on a housing rescue bill. As soon as the locals heard him say rescue bill, they wondered what he did this time.

Barack Obama agreed with Republicans Tuesday that federal dollars must be given to religious groups that do social work. It was a letdown. A lot of Democrats were supporting Obama because they thought he could multiply the loaves and fishes himself.

President Bush took Nelson Mandela's name off the terror watch list so he can visit the United States. Just in time. When John McCain wins eighty percent of the vote in November, Nelson Mandela will be able to explain to everybody what happened.

President Bush lifted a ban on shipping firearms to China Monday so rifles and ammunition can be sent to American athletes who are competing in Olympic shooting events in Beijing this summer. He was happy to do it. Once you accept that you're never going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, you can just relax and enjoy being president.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-2-08

2008-07-02T01:55:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Seymour Hersh wrote in the New Yorker Monday the White House has sent Special Forces into Iran. Their job is to destabilize Iran before we attack. It contradicts the widely held belief that President Bush has done all the damage he can possibly do.

California was declared a disaster area Saturday as eight hundred fires burned out of control in northern forests. Marijuana crops are ablaze. Twenty thousand firefighters are having to be rotated every six hours between Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

Tarzan's chimp Cheetah signed a music recording deal Monday and a book deal to tell his life's story. He's listed as the world's oldest living primate. A chimp that can sing, write and do comedy is enough to get a new Kansas School Board elected.

Jack Nicholson led a Screen Actors Guild revolt against a settlement deal with studios Monday, making a strike likely. There are no replacement workers for Jack Nicholson. Nobody with his experience was able to make it through the Disco Era alive.

The National Bartenders Association reported Tuesday that tips at the bar were down thirty percent last month. You don't have to impress a woman in a bar by flashing your cash. Women today won't go home with you unless they see your gas gauge.

The Automobile Club released its survey on gas prices Saturday. It showed that the highest gas prices are in California and the lowest are in Oklahoma. It's a dollar a gallon difference, but that's not enough to make everybody get out of show business.

The Centers for Disease Control cited eight hundred cases of salmonella poisoning in June. They still can't find one infected tomato. Tomatoes may have been wrongly accused, but the way the military tribunals are run they have no way to prove it.

North Korea was able to blow up its nuclear reactor safely on Friday. It has had radiation leaks for years. It's had no effect on men but evidence shows that every woman raised on the Korean peninsula can break par on any course in the United States.

Barack Obama's campaign revealed that Obama phoned Bill Clinton Monday and they had a terrific conversation. They struck a deal. Bill agreed to stay off the campaign trail and Barack Obama agreed to give him Scarlett Johansson's e-mail address.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. He was eliminated by the Final Jeopardy question on the second day. The North Vietnamese could not break him but he cracked under Art Fleming.

John McCain met Billy Graham at his North Carolina home Sunday. This preacher would never embarrass a candidate. You can bet there's no videotape of Billy Graham calling Roman Catholicism the Whore of Babylon, if it existed it'd be on black-and-white film.

Barack Obama defended his patriotism during a speech in Independence on Monday to launch his Southern strategy. Both candidates have their geographic challenges. In order to carry the North, John McCain has to distance himself from President Bush, and in order to carry the South, Barack Obama has to distance himself from Abe Lincoln.

President Clinton's NATO commander General Wesley Clark raised a firestorm Sunday on CBS' Face the Nation. He said getting shot down in a fighter jet doesn't qualify John McCain to be president. Getting shot down by Paula Jones didn't qualify Bill Clinton to be president, but it did give us eight years of prosperity and comedy.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-1-08

2008-07-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles wilted under a heat wave last week, sending the city's population out to the beaches to save on air conditioning bills. The lifeguards reported a record number of people in the ocean Sunday. They are swimming out to get the oil personally.

Tiger Woods spent a few nights before last Tuesday's knee surgery in Las Vegas with friends at a celebrity gambling event at the Bellagio Hotel. He likes to relax in Las Vegas. He likes it so much there's speculation about how his leg really got broken.

CBS News' Lara Logan was accused by an angry Texas housewife Friday of carrying on an adulterous affair with her contractor husband in Iraq while also dating CNN's Michael Ware. It's her duty. Lara Logan has freedom tattooed on one ankle and democracy tattooed on the other ankle and she's doing all she can to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq.

The Presbyterian Church convention Friday voted to allow gay ministers, however they split over gay marriage. Episcopalians and Methodists have the same split. No one would have thought thirty years ago that gays would wind up being Scotch drinkers.

North Korea blew up its nuclear reactor on world television Friday. The weather was windy. No one knows how much radiation was dispersed by the blast but North Korea is now the odds-on favorite to win the three-legged race at the Summer Olympics.

The Weather Channel aired footage Saturday of violent wind damage on the Great Plains. Tornadoes disrupted the U.S. Olympic swimming trials practice in Omaha. If there's one good thing about being caught in a tornado, it's that you're dry in three seconds.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asked President Bush for a disaster declaration Saturday due to wildfires raging on the central coast. None of the fires are more than twenty percent contained. Already sixteen banks have lost their homes in Big Sur.

San Francisco voters will rename a sewage treatment plant the President Bush Sewage Treatment Plant if a proposed ballot measure passes this fall. The idea apparently has a lot of support. Donations are pouring into the plant every day.

President Bush ripped Zimbabwe's sham election Saturday and said Robert Mugabe has no respect for democracy. We have no plans to invade. It's really racist of the Bush administration not to suspect an African nation of developing nuclear weapons.

Barack Obama's lead prompted affirmative action foes Friday to claim America's no longer racist and preferences aren't needed. Bigots are the new minority. Unless affirmative action is repealed, Harvard could be forced to hold slots open for Klansmen.

John McCain was endorsed for president by his North Vietnam prison warden Tran Trong Duyet Friday. He said during prison debates McCain never admitted the war was a mistake. He told his captors he was prepared to stay in Vietnam for a hundred years.

Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama at a rally in New Hampshire Friday to show her unconditional support for him. She acted like she meant it and he acted like he believed it. One day, used car salesmen will study this tape in advanced training sessions.

The Screen Actors Guild may strike to get payments for actors when advertisers pay to have their products placed in television shows and movies. It's gotten shameless. The worst example was during the crucifixion scene in Passion of the Christ when Jesus thirsted but turned down the vinegar offered by a Roman soldier because it wasn't Heinz.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-30-08

2008-06-30T01:49:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

John Daly thrilled the Buick Open gallery Wednesday by hitting a monster drive off his pro-am partner Kid Rock's beer can. It's a lesson. Golf may suffer while Tiger Woods is recuperating, but the sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

George Carlin died Sunday following a landmark stand-up comedy career spanning forty years. He often belittled religious belief and referred to God as a spooky and incompetent father figure. It's a good thing he knows how to deal with hecklers.

The Supreme Court ruled that Washington D.C. residents can have handguns at home. The reaction was mixed. If nothing else it will reduce Bill Clinton's temptation to remind Hillary every morning that he was twice elected president of the United States.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton flew together to New Hampshire on Friday. The plane had to fly through thunderstorms to get there. Bill Richardson was glued to the Weather Channel the whole time like a dog watching the back door of a butcher shop.

Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama Friday in New Hampshire. She acted very supportive of him and her voters acted very supportive of him. Barack Obama suspected them of faking it but no man really wants to believe it could happen to him.

Michelle Obama told gay Democrats in New York on Thursday her husband will fight for gay equality because he believes it's a civil rights issue. We must all try our best. Someday Republicans will be able to talk golf with gay people and someday Democrats will be able to visualize straight white men without their Nazi uniforms on.

The Supreme Court cut Exxon Mobil's damages for the Exxon Valdez spill to five hundred million Monday. The court said the punitive damages can only be as great as the economic damages. So if you're paying seventy dollars to fill your tank, keep records.

Harry Shearer's new album Songs of the Bushmen was denied billboard advertising space Thursday because the album cover depicts President Bush with a bone through his nose. It will end up being decided in court. The First Amendment must be balanced against a comedian's need to get in all the Bush jokes he can before he leaves office.

Congress voted one hundred sixty-two billion dollars for the Iraq war Tuesday, raising the total to a trillion. The stock market crashed and oil prices soared. President Bush is such a disaster that FEMA is setting up trailers on the South Lawn.

Buns and Guns is a terrorist-themed restaurant that just opened in a Hezbollah-controlled area of Beirut, which lets diners relax to the sound of recorded gunfire. So far only three customers have died. It's just the wrong place to order corned beef.

Bill Gates retired from Microsoft Friday to spend his time in charity work. He is the third richest man in the world and he sees no need to work anymore. Someone needs to warn him that those who do not study Ed McMahon are doomed to repeat him.

John McCain met with GM auto workers in Ohio on Friday. He told them he supports the free trade agreements that are costing them their jobs. The North Vietnamese never had any intention of torturing John McCain until they asked him for his trade policy.

The University of Texas at Brownsville is trying to stop the construction of a border fence with Mexico which will run through school grounds, because it would leave the school's golf course cut off inside Mexico. The fence is critically needed. The fifty thousand people per day asking if they can play through aren't all golfers.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-29-08

2008-06-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco will name the city's sewage treatment plant after President Bush if a ballot measure passes this fall. Don't miss the tour. Inside the plant will be an exhibit showing visitors the difference between weapons of mass destruction and Shinola.

Shaquille O'Neal was ordered by Arizona and Virginia sheriffs to hand over his deputy badges for singing a rap song Sunday using racist language. He still has his Los Angeles badge. We expect all our Los Angeles police officers to speak English.

Bill Murray's divorce was settled quietly Thursday in South Carolina. His wife accused him of being a pothead and a drunk and a sex addict. Today that's a mark of shame, while thirty years ago that's how they introduced him on Saturday Night Live.

Tiger Woods ate an apple and tossed it aside at the U.S. Open last Monday. A fan picked it up and sold it on eBay for thirty-six grand. They figure if they can take his gum cells and clone them into a pro golfer it's a better investment than GM stock.

Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits to drill in the city. The wildcatters are everywhere. Ed McMahon was last seen in his front yard in Beverly Hills working the gopher holes with a toilet plunger.

President Bush met with the crown prince of Abu Dhabi, Sheik Mohammed Bin Zayed al-Nahyan, at Camp David Thursday. You could guess what they discussed. President Bush saw the latest polls, and he's not as worried about his legacy as he is his escape.

President Bush lifted trade sanctions on North Korea Friday after they blew up their reactor. North Korea's factory workers are paid even less than the Chinese. The first black president may have to reintroduce slavery to make sure America can compete.

Barack Obama broke down and gave Hillary Clinton a twenty-three hundred dollar donation Thursday. It's to help retire her campaign debt. When she showed up for the meeting wearing a hoop skirt made out of velvet draperies he knew she really needed the money.

Barack Obama said he approved of the Supreme Court's ruling to allow handgun ownership in Washington D.C. after earlier backing the ban on guns. Last week he reneged on his word to take public campaign financing and went private. A hundred years from now, Americans will be commemorating Barack Obama with the March Back and Forth.

North Korea hosted foreign observers Friday to watch the North Korean military blow up their nuclear plant. Neighboring countries aren't panicking about fallout. Japan has reassured everybody that if you've seen two of these things, you've seen them all.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Washington D.C. residents have the right to own handguns at home. No one wants to see a return to guns on the street in the nation's capital. The neighborhoods have been so much quieter since people started using knives.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper vowed Thursday the Democratic Convention will be the greenest event ever. The first rule is no fried food. The Louisiana delegates are hereby reminded not to carry more than four ounces of Crisco onto the plane with them.

The Great Apes Project got a bill passed in Spain's legislature Friday that bans the exploiting of apes on television or in movies. That doesn't seem fair at all. For years and years Cheetah was the only reason straight people enjoyed Tarzan movies.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-27-08

2008-06-27T01:10:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--George Carlin was remembered this week for his classic comedy routine listing the seven dirty words you can't say on television. Not much has changed in the ensuing thirty years. You still can't say those seven words on the air, but you can show them.

Don Imus said his racial crack on the radio Monday was a sarcastic point about the unfair treatment of blacks by police. It never ends. Don Imus wishes he could mention how often Jackie Robinson stole home without people thinking he's stereotyping.

United Airlines announced Tuesday it will lay off nine hundred and fifty pilots because of tight profit margins. It's the way things have been going. The airline figured out they can make more money off the passengers by charging extra for a pilot.

Tiger Woods had surgery Tuesday to repair torn knee ligaments by a famous knee surgeon, Dr. Tom Rosenberg. He works out of Park City. The only thing more lucrative than drilling where there's oil is performing knee replacements where Baby Boomers ski.

Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits this year. The city sits on a huge oil pool. Between the price of gold and the price of oil we're lucky that people aren't digging up the roads with their bare hands.

Ralph Nader told reporters Tuesday Barack Obama is not addressing black issues of urban poverty and job cuts due to free trade because he wants to talk white. He might have a point. Barack Obama has won a Grammy and it was for a tribute to Perry Como.

Barack Obama enjoyed a fundraiser in Los Angeles Tuesday which highlighted his close Hollywood ties. As a matter of fact he answers Scarlett Johansson's e-mails every night. It's the first indication that Michelle Obama wants to run for the Senate.

John McCain drew protesters in Las Vegas Wednesday who picketed over his support for nuclear power. He's toured many nuclear power plants and he knows they're harmless. All radiation does is bleach your skin white, thin your hair and dump your first wife.

John McCain offered a three hundred million dollar prize Monday to anybody who can invent a fuel-cell battery that will power a car for long distances and end our dependence on oil. If it works we'll be addicted to batteries. You know how we are.

The Supreme Court decided Wednesday that Exxon Mobil doesn't have to pay a two and a half billion dollar award for the Exxon Valdez spill. The court slashed the award to half a billion dollars. Exxon's going to pay it out of the office coffee fund.

Queen Elizabeth stripped Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe of his knighthood on Wednesday. He's bankrupted her former colony. The Mississippi River just tied Robert Mugabe's record for the most number of white farmers run off their land in one sweep.

President Bush expressed sadness Wednesday over today's Zimbabwe election. The only opponent of President Mugabe dropped out in fear for his life. An optimist is anyone living in Zimbabwe who stays up late tonight to see how the election comes out.

President Bush met with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani Wednesday at the White House. The leaders are negotiating an agreement to keep U.S. troops there after the U.N. mandate expires at the end of the year. The Iraqi president invited international ridicule when he said it's increasingly safe to walk the streets of Washington D.C.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-26-08

2008-06-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--George Carlin was eulogized Tuesday as the funniest and most provocative stand-up comedian of his generation. He died only five days after Tiger Woods suffered season-ending injuries. All in all it was a bad week for people who cuss on television.

Don Imus implied on his radio show Monday that Dallas Cowboy Adam "Pacman" Jones' six arrests aren't surprising considering he's black. It was an honest mistake. The next day Don Imus issued a clarification saying what he meant to say was, We Shall Overcome.

Merrill Lynch's survey said Tuesday there were ten million millionaires in the world. The list includes everyone from Arab sheiks to San Fernando Valley tract home owners. By next year it will include everyone with enough money for a full tank of gas.

The White House said Tuesday it won't interfere with negotiations between Iraq and Western oil companies vying to reconstitute Iraq's national oil company. There's no reason to interfere. Once the father has given away the bride, let the drilling begin.

United Airlines announced Tuesday that it must lay off nine hundred and fifty of its airline pilots due to reduced routes. It's a very rough economy right now. Hopefully the pilots will qualify for federal drink stamps until they can be re-hired.

The Los Angeles Times published the results Monday of EPA-administered drug tests on the raw sewage of the world's major cities. It shows Los Angeles leads every city in the country in cocaine use. Now you know why we don't miss pro football.

GOP advisor Charlie Black apologized for saying terror attacks would help John McCain. He vowed to be more careful. If you don't think Republicans can be careful, remember there hasn't been one oil spill since the price hit twenty dollars per barrel.

The Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear a case on the Navy's sonar training in the Pacific Ocean. Opponents say sonar threatens sea life. If a nuclear submarine should send out out the wrong signal, how does it tells a sperm whale that no means no?

Barack Obama shook hands with supporters at a bakery in Albuquerque Monday. He said he would get rid of the White House bowling alley because it's something he would never use. It's the exact same reason President Bush got rid of the Treaty Room.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will hold a rally together Friday. It will take place in Unity, New Hampshire, because they felt the town's name made it most appropriate. Apparently Deadhorse, Alaska and Loco, Oklahoma were already booked.

Bill Clinton vowed Tuesday to help Barack Obama get elected president. It won't be like campaigning for his wife. He's going to miss the days when his staffers had Hillary's schedule in their hands and he knew she was on the other side of the country.

Senator John McCain announced Tuesday he will visit Colombia next month to show his support in its battle against illegal drug production. It's no surprise he's fully onboard in the War on Drugs. He's got a thing for unwinnable wars that never end.

Transportation Department data released Monday says motorists are driving much more slowly on the road in the last two months to try to save gas. Not everyone's happy about it. Fifty miles an hour takes all the sport out of freeway shooting.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-25-08

2008-06-25T03:09:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--George Carlin died Sunday, thirty years after the Supreme Court ruled his Seven Dirty Words routine unfit for broadcast. Times have changed. Today pornography is a photo of a woman standing in front of a gas pump a year ago with the prices showing.

Kobe Bryant headlines the group of NBA stars named to the U.S. Olympic basketball team on Monday. The NBA players will begin training this week in Las Vegas. That's a great place to train if our goal is to take home the gold medal in stripper tipping.

U.S. Airways infuriated customers Monday whey they began charging for soft drinks in flight. The war on terror is over. Thanks to long lines, new baggage fees, body searches, no food and three-dollar Coca-Cola's, Americans now side with the hijackers.

Saudi Arabia hosted a summit Monday to find ways to reduce prices from the oil well to the pump. Gas station owners are looking for ways to make gasoline more affordable. Across the nation they're converting all their mini-marts into pawn shops.

Tom Brokaw offered to host Meet the Press a week after Tim Russert's death. He announced Russert's death, he hosted Russert's funeral and now he has Russert's job. Now Tom Brokaw's only problem is that he's got Peter Falk following him everywhere.

The Houston Chronicle said Friday the Texas polygamy sect will be investigated by a West Texas grand jury this week. It's not easy being the husband at a polygamist ranch. You leave the toilet seat up just once and suddenly you're facing an angry mob.

The Supreme Court ruled Monday to permit the construction of hundreds of miles of border wall with Mexico. It's vitally necessary. The whole idea of the wall is to keep out terrorists who are trying to get into the United States for a fair trial.

President Bush claimed executive privilege Friday and refused to give Congress documents showing if he pressured the EPA to weaken smog rules. He refused to answer any questions. He's taking advantage of the fact that Democrats oppose waterboarding.

John McCain's top advisor Charlie Black apologized Monday for saying a terrorist attack would help McCain's candidacy. He said it in confidence to Fortune magazine. He forgot that Bill Clinton's presidency turned the Democrats into monthly subscribers.

John McCain spoke in Fresno Monday and proposed a three hundred million dollar prize for a battery that can run a car. Ed McMahon tore his house up when he heard about it. Those Boy Scout manuals back in the Twenties taught you how to do everything.

Barack Obama's campaign decided to get rid of that fake presidential seal with a rising sun on it designed for the candidate's podium. He was campaigning in New Mexico. You don't want to go waving a rising sun in the birthplace of the atomic bomb.

Hillary Clinton will campaign with Barack Obama in New Hampshire Friday. They split the town's vote fifty-fifty in the primary. London oddsmakers posted ten-to-one odds she will use the occasion to name Obama to be her vice presidential running mate.

Condi Rice urged North Korea to do as Libya has done and join the community of nations by giving up its weapons of mass destruction. Libyans read the signals five years ago and wrote the playbook for the Axis of Evil. Lie low until Bush blows over.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-24-08

2008-06-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Saudi Arabia held a world summit meeting Sunday to discuss ways to reduce high oil prices. It's absolutely killing the restaurant business. Everyone is staying home at night playing the world's hottest new Playstation game, Grand Theft Gasoline.

Gloucester High School in Massachusetts was rocked when dozens of girls decided to get pregnant and seventeen of them succeeded this month. It's devastating. In addition to losing its tourism revenue, New Orleans has lost its title as the Big Easy.

The Los Angeles Dodgers were honored by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce last week with their own star on Hollywood Boulevard. It's a first. Until now no one ever thought there could be twenty-five guys on Hollywood Boulevard who couldn't score.

Los Angeles temperatures hit triple digits Sunday, causing wildfire alerts. The scorching weather brought the sharks to the beaches. What do you expect, those guys who own gas stations can't sit in those little glass boxes all year in this heat.

Tiger Woods shook off his broken leg and torn knee Tuesday to shoot three Accenture commercials. His value as a pitchman is greater than ever now that he is injured. You have to know how to play through pain to drive a Buick at four dollars per gallon.

President Bush blamed Democrats Saturday for causing high gasoline prices by opposing offshore drilling. For the first time in years, American public opinion is behind him. What's the point of having a beautiful beach if nobody can afford to drive on it.

Barack Obama reneged on his pledge to observe federal campaign spending limits Friday. He qualified for eighty million dollars in public financing and he's turning it down. Ed McMahon just announced he's running for president as soon as his neck heals.

Ed McMahon was sued by CitiBank for a hundred and eighty thousand dollars Friday as foreclosure loomed. No one can believe he blew through his entire two hundred million dollar fortune. Normally to waste that much money you'd have to invade Iraq.

Barack Obama infuriated purists Friday when he unveiled a podium seal with the presidential eagle in the center. The shield underneath is replaced by a rising sun. When you're raised in Hawaii, the Japanese air force is never far from your mind.

John McCain traveled to Canada Friday where he touted himself as the candidate of free trade to America's number-one trading partner. He said he knows there are no electoral votes in Canada. He makes it a point once a day to show he is not senile.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused the U.S. of hatching a plot to kidnap and assassinate him when he went to Iraq in March. That would require forethought and planning and intelligence by the Bush administration. He was laughed out of court.

Condi Rice finalizes a nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea this week. The North Koreans are willing to implode their nuclear facilities on live television. There's nothing left that the regime can do to save their economy except to build a casino.

Martha Stewart was denied entry to Britain Friday because of her conviction for lying about her stock trades. She was in Warsaw launching her magazine's Polish language edition. Back in Eastern Europe her magazine is titled, You Call This Living?

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-23-08

2008-06-23T01:13:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

NASA reported on Friday the Phoenix Lander exploring Mars found what analysts believe is ice. Scientists were guarded. We don't know if there's actually life on Mars because the presence of ice doesn't by itself guarantee the presence of cocktails.

Safeway begin restocking its produce shelves with tomatoes Thursday despite the threat of salmonella poisoning. It's a humanitarian gesture. They know customers are suffering from high gasoline prices and they wanted to offer them an easy way out.

Tiger Woods decided Tuesday to sit out the PGA tour this year following his U.S. Open win. He had a broken left leg and a torn up left knee and he won the U.S. Open. It's the most incredible feat on one leg since Heather Mills attracted Paul McCartney.

President Bush called for offshore drilling Tuesday as polls showed widespread support for the idea and trust in its safety. Not one drop of oil spilled in the Gulf during Hurricane Katrina. That's because the Republicans prioritized the rescues.

Belgium released a study Tuesday proving men make bad judgments about alcohol and money whenever they see a woman in a bikini. It could be worse. Seeing women covered from head to toe causes men to fly planes into buildings, so take your choice.

John McCain slammed Barack Obama in Canada on Friday for having a naive Middle East policy. The Arizona senator has his own plan to bring the troops home. When he annexes Iraq as our fifty-first state, technically speaking the troops will be home.

Mississippi River flood levees broke in Iowa on Thursday. The flooding reduced pressure on the river and saved New Orleans. After one hundred and forty years of Reconstruction it's about time Union states picked up their share of the clean-up tab.

The Supreme Court made it easier Thursday for older workers to claim they have been discriminated against due to their age. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee just announced it will sue anybody who doesn't vote for John McCain.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave a speech to elderly Jewish voters in Florida Friday assuring them Barack Obama is not a Muslim. Obama can win these people over. All he needs is Alan King's old act and they'll be putty in his hands in fifteen minutes.

Barack Obama's campaign named former U.S. Senator Sam Nunn as a potential running mate on Friday. He fills the bill. In order to keep the defense industry humming it's required that the vice president must either be Dick Cheney or look just like him.

South Africa's former president Nelson Mandela will be honored in Europe this week with a huge celebration on his ninetieth birthday. He spent twenty-five years in prison before he served in public office. In America we do it the other way around.

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to enter Great Britain Friday due to her past conviction and imprisonment for lying to the FBI. There's really no need for her to be there. They already have a Queen who knows how to decorate a house like a Protestant.

Congress agreed Friday on a surveillance bill that shields telecom companies from lawsuits for warrantless wiretaps ordered by the White House. The president doesn't eavesdrop nearly as much as he did in the past. Now that his approval rating is down to twenty-five percent, he doesn't want to hear what people are saying.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-22-08

2008-06-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush arrived in Cedar Rapids Thursday and toured the flooded region, where he gave his personal encouragement to relief workers and his consolation to flood victims. Iowans are getting around in rowboats. They are the envy of the nation.

Los Angeles broiled under hundred-degree heat and smog alerts Thursday. That's not at all that's killing people who live out here. Gasoline is so expensive in Southern California that Lindsay Lohan has begun staying at the scene of the accident.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall five dollars a barrel Thursday on news of price hikes in China. It's still in record territory. Hookers in New York report they're making more money siphoning gasoline than they are turning tricks.

Continental Airlines cut routes and cities Thursday in a desperate bid to make money. There's always a way. United Airlines has begun making money hand over fist by charging Los Angeles passengers fifteen dollars for each item of emotional baggage.

Disney World was reported Friday to be bracing for slow summer business due to the record high gasoline prices. One travel agent is doing huge business selling virtual vacations. You stay home for two weeks and overtip every third person you see.

Tiger Woods left the PGA Tour for a year Thursday due to injuries he sustained in training. He broke his leg hitting practice balls and tore his knee while jogging. John Daly could be the biggest star on the tour now if he's careful not to over-train.

Ronald Reagan's would-be assassin John Hinckley was accused Thursday of using his mental hospital release time to carry on four simultaneous love affairs with women. He's not dangerous as long as they understand one thing. Eight o'clock means eight o'clock.

Reverend Al Sharpton's money operations came under IRS investigation Friday in Harlem. The flamboyant Democrat never thought he'd get caught. It was a mistake for him to list his anticipated payment for slavery reparations as collateral for a loan.

Eliot Spitzer's wife Silda hosted her annual charity event in New York Tuesday, two months after his hooker scandal. She stood by him as he confessed to stepping outside his marriage. It qualifies her to run for president on the Democratic ticket.

Barack Obama accuser Larry Sinclair told reporters Thursday he had gay sex and snorted cocaine with Obama nine years ago. However, he flunked a lie-detector test. People who use crystal meth because they cannot afford cocaine never like to admit it.

Cindy McCain took a trip to Hanoi where her husband was held prisoner for five years during the Vietnam War. She was there for a refresher course. For any woman married to a politician, it's always wise to brush up on your interrogation techniques.

Barack Obama refused eighty-five million dollars in public campaign financing available to him Thursday. He said he needs to raise more money to fight the GOP interest group ads. For every one commercial they run of Barack Obama wearing a Muslim robe in Africa, he has to run three commercials of John McCain in bed with a lobbyist.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed Thursday that California will never allow oil drilling off the coast. Californians were thrilled to hear the governor take this stand. We love it when the porn stars run for governor during the recall election.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-20-08

2008-06-20T01:14:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods shocked the sports world Wednesday by dropping out of the PGA Tour this season for surgery. He won the U.S. Open playing on torn knee ligaments and a broken leg. At the end of the tournament he was endorsing Buick's new Ambulance sedan.

Roger Clemens sold his Bentley to rocker Bret Michaels Monday to pay off his mounting legal bills. It had an instant effect. The next day thousands of kids across the nation dropped out of Little League and enrolled in an afterschool pre-law program.

The Boston Celtics clobbered the Los Angeles Lakers Tuesday to capture the NBA Championship. The refereeing was loose. The Celtics were assaulting Kobe Bryant under the basket and getting away with it, proving that what goes around comes around.

California courthouses began issuing gay marriage licenses on Tuesday, causing a national panic. Other states fear they will be forced to recognize gay marriage when these couples return home. They have until the next earthquake to worry about it.

The Weather Channel showed scary footage Wednesday of Mississippi River levees breaking in downstate Illinois. Many of the houses and towns on the river are built on bluffs. One guy financed a six-bedroom home by convincing Countrywide he had a job.

President Bush visited flooded farms and small towns of Iowa Thursday where he met with flood victims and consoled them. It was an eye-opening experience for the president. He's been in over his head for seven years and he never thought of sandbags.

The White House asked Congress for two billion for Iowa floods Wednesday. It's the worst disaster since Katrina. There have been so many plagues during the Bush presidency that by the end of his term he will have his own book in the Old Testament.

President Bush urged Congress to lift the federal ban on offshore oil drilling Wednesday to relieve high gasoline prices. No one can remember the last time George W. Bush had the public completely on his side. Halley's Comet comes around more often.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid denounced President Bush's proposal Wednesday to begin drilling offshore and called on the government to encourage development of renewable sources of energy. You can't run a car on wind. It's not like the Senate.

House Democrats called for nationalization of oil refineries Wednesday. We have a government that wiretaps citizens, jails without due process and wants to own the oil industry. Saddam Hussein just used the clouds to skywrite Mission Accomplished.

Exxon Mobil announced last week it will sell all its service stations to focus on oil drilling. These are lucrative street corners. Half of the people in their Service Station Owner Training Program are crack dealers looking for greener pastures.

Toyota Motors announced Thursday it will build a line of cars next year that will run on electricity. Talk about the law of unintended consequences. Every American household now wants to get ahold of Iran's nuclear technology to build a power plant.

John McCain and Barack Obama sat beside each other at Tim Russert's funeral this week. The hard-hitting interviewer died suddenly just a week after the Democratic nomination was settled. Hillary Clinton couldn't be at the funeral, but she will be at the trial.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-19-08

2008-06-19T01:48:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush tours Iowa today where half the homes are flooded. The water is contaminated with fertilizer and soil additives and pesticides. Next year when corn grows out of linoleum it will be the signature achievement of the Bush administration.

California began allowing same-sex marriages Tuesday due to a court ruling. The right for gays to marry will be a state ballot measure in November. Voters will probably cut it off, that's how much everybody's pandering to Saudi Arabia these days.

Southwest Airlines passengers got a scare landing in Phoenix Monday when smoke filled the cabin after a wheel blew out. It was a lesson in safety precautions. One woman nearly suffocated because she didn't have the twenty dollars for the oxygen mask.

President Bush visited a high school in Belfast Monday which teaches Protestant and Catholic students together. The two sides have been warring for four hundred years. Whenever there's an explosion in the chemistry class the teacher gets merit pay.

Southern California's real estate home values took their steepest drop in over twenty years. Suburbs are hit hardest because driving back and forth to work is unaffordable. Gas is so expensive prisoners don't even want their sentences commuted.

Barack Obama told Michigan students Tuesday he would give them a four-thousand-dollar tax credit to help pay for college. It's rapidly getting out of reach. Only the rich will be able to afford college if Budweiser gets bought by a foreign brewery.

Barack Obama was televised attending a new church in Chicago Sunday. Democrats today are happy to display their religious faith. Walter Mondale once said there's no place for God in politics, and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

Michelle Obama submitted her favorite cookie recipe for Family Circle's first lady contest Monday. Her personally-invented cookie recipe is shortbread cookies flavored with Amaretto. She made her first fortune catering AA conventions in Chicago.

Cindy McCain's cookie recipe in Family Circle Monday was apparently stolen from Hershey's. She was also nabbed for stealing recipes off the Food Network. If most trophy wives can just stick a toothpick into an olive they've done their cooking for the day.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will appear together to meet donors next week at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington D.C. The hotel is a must-see for every tourist who visits the nation's capital. They sell Maps to the Hookers' Rooms in the gift shop.

John McCain flew to Houston Tuesday where he urged lifting the ban on offshore drilling. It's of little concern to Americans now what might happen to marine life. It's no accident that the most frequently used actor's name in porno movies is Derrick.

Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe warned the U.S. and Britain not to interfere in his runoff election. He rigged the last election to get in the run-off. U.S. monitors saw so much cheating they thought their plane accidentally landed in Chicago.

Joan Rivers was kicked off a British daytime talk show in the middle of a live broadcast on Tuesday for using expletives to describe Russell Crowe. She was happy to have the publicity. Joan Rivers is seventy-five years old but Ed McMahon has already proved that no who worked on the Tonight Show can ever afford to stop working.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-18-08

2008-06-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods topped crowd favorite Rocco Mediate to win the U.S. Open Monday. The gallery went wild for a guy wearing a huge peace sign for a belt buckle. They did not buy President Bush's story that the eighteen holes were caused by Iranian rockets.

Major League Baseball announced plans Friday to have their umpires use instant replay on home-run calls starting in early August. NBA referees don't need instant replay. Whenever there's a dispute over a call, they simply ask the script supervisor.

The Weather Channel aired video footage of major flooding in Iowa and Missouri Monday. It's disrupting the entire farm economy. Every day farmers have to get up at three in the morning to feed the chickens and slop the hogs and milk the taxpayers.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. won at the Michigan International Speedway on Sunday. He had to coast to the finish line at the end of the four-hundred-mile race. He couldn't afford to refuel until after they handed him the two-million-dollar check for winning.

Saudi Arabia agreed to increase its crude oil drilling Monday. High oil prices are destabilizing the world. When newspapers said Sunday gasoline prices in Iran are forty cents a gallon, Americans no longer wanted to invade Iran, they wanted to defect.

Hillary Clinton sponsored a bill Monday to rename the U.S. highway at the Buffalo Bills' stadium after Tim Russert. She bore no hard feelings over his brutal debate questions. The last thing he did was to write her a note thanking her for the tomatoes.

Al Gore endorsed Barack Obama Monday and offered to help the candidate in any way he can. It came just in time. That Internet Al invented is forcing Barack to deal with a thousand damaging rumors a day, so the least he could do is pull the plug on it.

Barack Obama gave a speech at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago about the importance of fathers Sunday. He's shopping for a new church. He's looking for a strong pastor with a vigorous social message and a superstitious fear of video cameras.

President Bush told England he rejects the idea that only white-guy Methodists are capable of self-government. It's an article of faith with him. He deeply believes that all people are capable of self-government once a white-guy Methodist topples their dictator for them.

The Vatican denied a rumor Monday that President Bush is about to convert to Roman Catholicism. The rumor was probably spread by terrorists when they heard President Bush's last stop would be in Northern Ireland. Every industry is outsourcing nowadays.

President Bush told the London Observer on Sunday he's going to write a memoir about his presidency after he leaves office. It's the same old story. President Bush feels very passionately that history is too important to be left to the historians.

President Bush snapped at a toast to him at a Paris banquet Friday, saying that it sounded like a political obituary when he still has months left. In truth, the French have a lot of sympathy for President Bush. They weren't any good at colonialism either.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met President Bush in London Monday and they froze the assets of Iran's biggest bank. They had no choice. Freezing a bank's assets is the only way to close it down when it had too much sense to invest in subprime mortgages.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-17-08

2008-06-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel showed video Saturday of flooding in Iowa spreading misery everywhere. The water is way too contaminated to drink. There's so much mercury in the Des Moines River that doctors are taking their patients' temperatures with catfish.

Ken Griffey Jr. hit his six hundredth career home run last week on the road. He got a standing ovation from fans for doing it without steroids, unlike others. He's so ruined the curve that UCLA's admissions office named him an honorary Asian student.

Microsoft's Hotmail had a glitch discovered in its spellcheck Friday. It says Obama is correctly spelled Osama. If you think that's awful, imagine the career problems caused by e-mails going out to publicists to promote actress Hitler Locklear.

Scarlett Johansson praised Barack Obama Thursday and said she can't believe he takes the time to answer her e-mails to him. This may hurt him in the eyes of his followers. If Mary Magdalene looked like Scarlett Johansson, we'd all still be Jewish.

Barack Obama called Friday for a huge hike in Social Security taxes for higher incomes. You never promise to raise taxes while running for president. Apparently bad tomatoes don't just give you salmonella, they can also give you Mondale Syndrome.

Don Rumsfeld was reported Saturday to have purchased a Vespa Italian scooter to get around his Virginia neighborhood. It goes sixty miles an hour and gets sixty miles per gallon. Say what you will about Donald Rumsfeld, but he always has a Plan B.

Exxon Mobil announced plans Friday to sell all their company-owned gas stations. It's probably due to liability costs. Last week two dozen gas station managers broke their necks from falling off the ladder they have to climb every day to raise prices.

John McCain canceled a fundraiser at Texas oilman Clayton Williams' home after reporters unearthed a rape joke the oilman cracked twenty years ago. That was a different time. People still thought rape was funny when gasoline wasn't four dollars a gallon.

John McCain's college student daughter Meghan McCain turned Republican Friday as a Fathers Day gift for her dad. She's always been an independent but she wanted to be a Republican in time for the election. The apples don't fall far from the tree.

Italy's Silvio Berlusconi endorsed John McCain because the senator is a month older than he is. The prime minister said he's tired of being labeled the oldest world leader. They both go to a tailor in Rome who specializes in orthopedic tuxedoes.

President Bush and France's President Nicolas Sarkozy together threatened Syria and Iran Saturday. Mr. Bush felt a lot less lonely when he heard the French leader is of Hungarian descent. No one ever referred to a Hungarian as Attila the Peacemaker.

Iran turned down the six-nation offer of incentives to stop uranium enrichment Saturday. It increases the chance of war with Iran. When Dick Cheney got home that night he walked through the front door and kissed Lynne like they were still teenagers.

Prince Charles paid off a three-hundred-and-fifty-seven-year-old debt Thursday owed by his ancestor Charles II to Worcester Clothiers in East Anglia. The tailor had made uniforms for the Cavaliers in the latter years of the English Civil War but he had gone unpaid due to holes in the uniforms. Baptists have always been good shots.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-16-08

2008-06-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama set up a website Wednesday called Stop the Smears to fire back at rumors circulating about him on the Internet. He's got to stop these rumors that he's Jesus. If he was born outside the United States he's not eligible to be president.

Tiger Woods battled knee pain over the weekend during the U.S. Open. He must not alter his swing or other muscles could go out. The golf swing is the most unnatural act in all of sports, if you don't count the Cubs having the best record in baseball.

The Weather Channel showed Mississippi River flood damage in Iowa Friday which had the nation glued to the television set. Everyone's concern is understandable. The corn crops were soaked in two feet of water and that's really bad for your engine.

Ed McMahon was reported Thursday to have blown his two hundred million dollar fortune on get-rich-quick schemes. It all came apart the last few months. He could not have picked a worse time to sink everything into the gasoline-powered typewriter.

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill on Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. New York's fashion industry needs a constant supply of new fashion models. The ones we have keep falling through the subway grates.

President Bush is scheduled to have tea with the Royal Family at Windsor Castle Sunday and then have a meeting in London the next morning with Tony Blair. He's now an emissary for Middle East peace. After Tony Blair retired he changed sides.

Pope Benedict hosted President Bush at the Vatican in Rome Friday. They met in the Vatican Gardens instead of following the usual protocol. Normally the pope meets VIPs in his library but books make President Bush break out in a rash.

President Bush spoke in Paris where he mixed up the Cold War and Civil War and got numerous names wrong. The speech was very long. Thanks to the Supreme Court's ruling Thursday he has to read the English language its rights before he tortures it.

Mike Huckabee signed to be a commentator on Fox News on Friday. It's the right move. He's very popular among social conservatives and he gets bigger laughs in his speeches than anyone, two reasons John McCain will never choose him as a running mate.

John McCain accused Democratic Senate opponents of engaging in ageism Thursday by suggesting he was confused and out of touch. This kind of gratuitous disrespect has to stop. It's not true that John McCain's so old that he has an autographed Bible.

Barack Obama called Friday for higher Social Security taxes on people who make a quarter million a year. It set off a panic among rich Democrats. At least when the Clintons are called Marxists, we know they are talking about Groucho, Harpo and Chico.

Weather Channel founder John Coleman blamed Al Gore for high gas prices Friday, adding that the global warming frenzy is a fraud and a scam. This guy owes his career to Al Gore. Thanks to all the tornadoes, hurricanes and cyclones blamed on global warming, people stay tuned to the Weather Channel for the same reason they watched CBS News every night during the Cold War, you never know if this day is going to be your last.

Katie Couric said Wednesday the coverage of the Hillary Clinton campaign shows the accepted role of sexism in America. Other critics of the coverage cite liberal peer pressure to support a black man. Both sides agree something must be done about America being the world's only superpower, the sad legacy of the straight white male.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-15-08

2008-06-15T01:26:00.000-07:00

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Lakers host the Boston Celtics in Game Five of the NBA Finals today. The heat is on. Ninety percent of people in one poll think everything has been fixed, and that's just the faces and the breasts of the front row of Lakers fans.

The U.S. Open wraps up today at the Torrey Pines Golf Club located on the bluffs above Black's Beach in San Diego. It was a nude beach thirty years ago. Guys would go to the golf course for an honest round of golf and wind up on tour with Aerosmith.

Jay Leno offered to help Ed McMahon save his home from foreclosure Tuesday. He already kept his writers from losing their homes during the strike. In the future the Tonight Show will not hire anyone who doesn't sign an agreement promising to rent.

Scarlett Johansson said Wednesday she's shocked that Barack Obama takes the time to answer her e-mails. Good news at last. It's the first sign to comedians that after eight dreary years of honor and dignity in the White House, happy days are here again.

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. They have no special skills needed in today's economy. As high as gas prices are, Americans don't need any lessons on how to throw up

. President Bush continued his Farewell Tour of Europe Friday with a state visit to Pope Benedict at the Vatican. It was a humbling experience for the president. Thanks to the Supreme Court's latest ruling, the pope has an Inquisition and he doesn't.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that terror suspects have the right of habeas corpus. It says the government can't detain you without giving you your day in court. If President Bush is handed one more defeat he will have the worst record in Major League Baseball.

The White House admitted Thursday that with six months left, administration officials are leaving in droves to find new jobs. It's a tough sell. They all face the exact same challenge, convincing prospective employers that they are stupid, not evil.

Iran said Thursday it is enriching uranium not to develop nuclear weapons but to produce electricity. That wasn't a very smart thing to say. With the electric car coming, Dick Cheney will attack anywhere to secure America's vital electricity supplies.

John McCain said Wednesday it's not important how much longer U.S. troops will be stationed in Iraq. We're starting to get the picture of how long they will be there. John McCain's idea of opposing President Bush's policy is to back statehood for Iraq.

Barack Obama said Thursday his wife Michelle never used the word Whitey during any speech she ever gave to any crowd. He also just left his church for being too militant. He figures if John McCain doesn't need the black vote to win, neither does he.

NASA launched a huge telescope into orbit Friday to get pictures of gamma rays darting around the universe. It will survey the entire sky in two orbits. If they find a gamma ray not wearing any panties they can sell the picture to Access Hollywood for big dough.

Budweiser was targeted Thursday in a hostile takeover bid by a Belgian brewery in Antwerp, as Dubai's royal family tried to buy the Chrysler Building in New York. Americans were horrified. They couldn't believe that the Japanese were willing to sell.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-13-08

2008-06-13T01:33:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush will end his trip to Europe at Buckingham Palace Sunday. He has spent the entire week at five separate palaces and castles. Before you take it on yourself to democratize Iran it's important to remind yourself where you come from.

Los Angeles grocery stores began stocking tomatoes again Tuesday after the FDA said California tomatoes are safe. It's a huge relief. If it weren't for what the audiences threw at them, American Idol contestants would starve to death in Los Angeles.

NBA referee Tim Donaghy said Monday the league rigged playoff games to prolong series and favor big market teams. He said he rigged outcomes himself without anyone noticing. He wasn't caught until Oil and Gas Journal did an article on his techniques.

The U.S. Open is played this weekend at Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla. Hang gliders leap off high cliffs over the ocean behind the sixth and twelfth tees. No golf course in the world gives a golfer having a really bad round more overall options.

The Weather Channel showed footage Wednesday of the Mississippi River flooding in St. Louis. It threatens river levees all the way down to New Orleans. President Bush was in Europe and unable to direct disaster aid, so sometimes you catch a break.

Mike Wallace decided to retire from CBS at age ninety on Wednesday after being on the air for sixty years. He ignored the fact that Ed McMahon wound up broke after two years of retirement. Mike Wallace lives in New York City and can take public transportation.

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum said Tuesday it will display a wax figure of Adolf Hitler at its Berlin museum. It caused outrage. The London and New York museums agreed not to display the wax figure after word got out they're honoring a white male.

Senator Dianne Feinstein called for the Senate cafeteria to be privatized after years of losing money and serving bad food. It sounded shocking coming from her. Democrats must eat a government program before they see the wisdom of the free market.

House Democrats blocked a GOP proposal Wednesday to allow offshore oil drilling off the coast of South Florida. This could solve all our problems. After sixty years of struggle we'd finally have oil that was surrounded by Jews instead of Arabs.

President Bush met for several hours Tuesday with Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel outside of Berlin, then they met reporters. United States troops have occupied that nation for sixty years. Under the McCain Doctrine they have to stay forty more years.

Barack Obama was blasted for telling CNBC Tuesday that rising gas prices aren't the problem, the problem is Americans use too much energy. Now it's the voters' fault. It's the first indication that Barack Obama used up all his brain cells beating Hillary.

President Bush told the British Monday he regretted that his gunslinging rhetoric before the Iraq war gave him the appearance of a warmonger. Two days later he told the Germans all options are on the table with Iran. When you're looking for your next job it's a good idea to tell the interviewer exactly what he wants to hear.

The New York Times reported Wednesday that Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list, continuing the newspaper's year-long campaign comparing the Clintons to Richard Nixon. They'll have the last laugh. When Nixon finally left office, New York Times readers spent the next eighteen years turning straight to the sports page.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-12-08

2008-06-12T01:32:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton remained holed up inside her home in Chappaqua Tuesday for the third straight day without any public appearances. She's not upset. Just to show there's no hard feelings, she sent Barack Obama a crate of tomatoes and a horse's head.

Rodney King agreed Tuesday to be an alcohol recovery patient on the cable show Celebrity Rehab. The producers don't know what they're getting into. The episode where he describes the damage caused by his drinking will be a twelve-part miniseries.

The New York Daily News revealed Monday Roger Clemens regularly took Viagra to enhance his pitching performance. It's obvious looking back at the game tapes. Every other pitcher talking to the catcher uses the baseball glove to cover his mouth.

Tiger Woods is favored to win the U.S. Open starting today in La Jolla. He played a practice round at the course Monday where he was followed closely by a detail of San Diego police officers. It's just amazing how many people mistake him for Barack Obama.

The New York Times said Muslim women in Europe are paying plastic surgeons to restore their virginity. It's a cultural thing. After watching what happened after the Kentucky Derby, they're afraid if they blame it on horseback riding they'll get shot.

Malibu hired Ken Starr last week to draft a law to tax tabloid photographers. It's a cycle. Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered so they can make it big, and the ones who've made it big have to pay lawyers to keep from being discovered.

Barack Obama's campaign reported Monday it may raise a hundred million dollars in the month of June alone. It's the best month in political fundraising history. He's lucky the Senate killed that windfall profits tax before he had to pay it himself.

Barack Obama met privately with black ministers in Chicago Tuesday. The talks were wide-ranging. They had a long discussion over whether it's more damaging for Americans to hear his pastor's latest sermon or for people to think he's a Muslim.

Hillary Clinton's campaign was reported Monday to be thirty million dollars in debt. It includes six million dollars of her money and five million dollars of Bill's money. That's still cheaper than hiring a publicist to keep them in the news every day.

U.S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced thirty-five articles of impeachment against President Bush on Tuesday. This could backfire. It wipes out so many trees to print up all the offenses that Democrats will be blamed for killing the rainforest.

President Bush landed in Berlin Tuesday on the second stop of a seven-day trip, which his aides are calling the president's Farewell to Europe. That's ridiculous. Europe survived World War I and World War II, and it's going to survive George W. Bush.

Scott McClellan agreed to testify to Congress about his knowledge of the White House role in the outing of a CIA agent's identity. He served for years as White House press secretary. He resigned when it dawned on him that U.S. foreign policy is so confused that the disinformation he was intentionally handing out may actually be true.

The Gallup Poll out Tuesday showed almost sixty percent of Americans now favor offshore oil drilling and oil drilling in Alaska's wildlife refuge. In just one week, four dollar per gallon gasoline undid thirty years of environmental indoctrination. Across the country today, grade-schoolers are writing essays titled, It's Just a Moose.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-11-08

2008-06-11T01:37:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Universal Studios Tours reopened Friday after a spectacular fire sent flames hundreds of feet high across the movie lot. The fire marshal made them put it out. They should have cleared it with him before they opened the Hillary in Hell Adventure.

Wisconsin was flooded Monday by high-rising rivers that carried entire houses away in the raging torrents. FEMA was right there with trailers, however they sank like a rock. President Bush vowed that next time he will wait for the water to recede.

Big Brown finished dead last in the Belmont and lost his bid to win the Triple Crown on Saturday. The race had the second tragic ending of the season. The horse was taken off steroids a month ago and he ran so slow the jockey died of malnutrition.

The U.S. Open tees off Thursday, drawing golf fans from all over the nation to La Jolla. Gas there is five dollars a gallon. Hertz is promising its best customers if they'll rent an SUV for the weekend they can be upgraded to a subcompact for free.

President Bush admitted en route to Europe that the economy is becoming a major concern. Everyone wants to help. The Los Angeles Homeless Shelter got a surprise visit from Ed McMahon Monday and an even bigger surprise request for a place to crash.

Mike Huckabee saved a North Carolina Republican from choking to death at a GOP luncheon Monday by using the Heimlich maneuver. He said it's the third time he has saved a man's life with it. Then he corrected himself and said John McCain taught it to him.

The Gallup Poll released Monday showed that only twenty-two percent of Hillary Clinton's voters will vote for Barack Obama. The media is dancing carefully around the reason why. Anyone who suggests it might be race could lose Don Imus's radio show.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met Friday to plan future strategy. He needs her help with the women's vote and she will help. She needs his help to retire her campaign liability but not even Jesus Christ could force Bill Clinton to stop talking.

Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones launched a video website Monday where you can watch them discuss Bill Clinton. It's a gold mine. They charge you two dollars to watch them talk about Bill Clinton's sex life and ten dollars to shut up and go away.

McDonald's took tomatoes off its menus Monday due to a salmonella outbreak. It is a campaign issue already. Democrats were first to point out that the difference between salmonella poisoning and John McCain is that salmonella has an exit strategy.

President Bush landed in Slovenia Monday to attend the European Union's annual summit. His staff says after the summit he will embark on a one-week valedictory tour of Europe. Seven days is long time but that's as fast as the tank will carry him.

Scott McClellan agreed Monday to testify before the House Judiciary Committee about the CIA leak scandal, reopening the can of worms over why we invaded Iraq. Scooter Libby has been convicted, Karl Rove could be indicted and Dick Cheney could be impeached. President Bush is pretty much down to denying that he ever bet on baseball.

President Bush hosted the Congressional picnic on the South Lawn Thursday. They enjoyed ribs, potato salad and corn on the cob. To make the congressmen feel at home they don't serve anything at this picnic that is not subsidized by the Farm Bill.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-10-08

2008-06-10T01:50:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

General Motors extended shifts at their hybrid electric car factory last week and shut down four GM plants that make gas guzzling SUVs. Buying hybrid electric cars reduces terrorism by fifty percent. They only support Saudi Arabia while going uphill.

Burma's ruling junta arrested a popular Burmese comedian Wednesday for telling jokes about their government. It's a rapidly spreading trend. In Russia political comedians have been banned from television and in America the Clintons were canceled.

Hillary Clinton's withdrawal Saturday caused no small concern at the cable news networks. Her never-say-die battle gave them record-high ratings. To make up for her loss they just offered tornado season a six-month extension at two million a week.

Hillary Clinton agreed to suspend her campaign Saturday at the urging of party leaders. She'll miss the campaign. She would have to move to Hollywood and lose thirty years in order to get that many people to pay for her lighting, makeup and hair.

The Senate Intelligence Committee released a report Thursday saying the White House lied the nation into war with Iraq. No one's going to jail. The war was wrongly threatened and wrongly declared and wrongly waged, but it's better than no war at all.

Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling hit a one hundred and eighty thousand dollar jackpot from a slot machine on the Las Vegas Strip Thursday. Easy come, easy go. The next day she filled up her Escalade and lost it all.

Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six million dollar home in Beverly Hills Friday. There's no way he could have burned through fifty years of TV money by himself. Apparently when Johnny Carson died he left two of his ex-wives to Ed McMahon.

Oliver Stone began filming his movie about President Bush Monday. It comes out this fall. The movie covers his entire life, from his days as black sheep of the family and screw-up all the way to his days as black sheep of the family and screw-up.

Barack Obama denied the alleged existence of videotape catching Michelle Obama using the word whitey in a rant against white people. She would never have said it. Michelle Obama graduated from Harvard Law School, not Harvard Divinity School.

Senator John McCain complained on camera Friday about Democratic Party efforts to label him as the standard bearer for a Bush third term. Republicans can't get away from President Bush fast enough. Laura is this close to a guest spot on Swingtown.

The Democratic convention's opening night gala found a sponsor Friday. The bash will be paid for by a New Orleans hurricane victims fund that's run by Democrats. New Orleans citizens refused to give away any rescue money unless it went for alcohol.

Washington D.C. cops revealed a plan to check the IDs of all drivers coming into rough neighborhoods at night. It's to reduce gang activity. There's only one other way to keep suburbanites from driving into the hood, but Wal-Mart refuses to sell crack.

Robert Gates fired top Air Force officials for accidentally shipping nuclear bomb triggers to Taiwan. They had ordered batteries. Yesterday a Taiwanese soldier started his jeep and six seconds later he realized his dream of visiting the Chinese mainland.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-9-08

2008-06-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel quoted climatologists Friday forecasting unusually violent storms this summer. No one's looking forward to the hurricane season. Everyone is tired of Democrats blaming it on global warming and Republicans blaming it on al-Qaeda.

O.J. Simpson's agent wrote a book saying O.J. confessed the murders to him as they smoked pot one night. He smokes pot to help him sleep. O.J. has trouble sleeping and his doctor told him the fastest way to overcome his insomnia is by stabbing sheep.

Brigitte Bardot was fined twenty thousand dollars by a French court last week for saying she thinks the influx of Muslims is ruining France. It doesn't seem fair. Hate speech can get you jail time in France while in America it gets you a radio show.

Yves St. Laurent died last week in Paris after a long career as a women's fashion designer and clothing manufacturer. One of his inventions was the women's pantsuit. It was the turquoise polyester that Hillary wore in Puerto Rico that killed him.

Hillary Clinton's friends said Friday she would accept the vice presidency. It fits her personality. Under our current system of government, the president plays the cheerful figurehead while the vice president is in charge of conquering the world.

John McCain turned his attention to the fall election on Tuesday after the GOP primaries formally ended. The nice thing about being a Republican is that they are never torn in two along racial lines. Their idea of a man of color is George Hamilton.

President Bush extended his congratulations to Barack Obama on becoming the first African-American ever to win a major party nomination for president. However he didn't call him personally. He doesn't want to cheapen the value of winning the Super Bowl.

Barack Obama's patron Tony Rezko was convicted of fraud and money-laundering by a Chicago jury Wednesday. Miraculously, the verdict came in a day after Obama clinched the party nomination. For Barack Obama's ministers, loaves and fishes are for amateurs.

Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination for president Tuesday. He made history with his campaign. Until this year, millions and millions of Americans had never voted for a black man unless it was on American Idol or the All-Star ballot.

Barack Obama used a plate to catch three pancakes flipped to him from ten feet away Monday. Everyone gasped in admiration. The secret to eating three pancakes and maintaining your thirty-two inch waist is to smoke when you're wife's not looking.

President Bush welcomed the Kansas Jayhawks basketball team to the White House on Tuesday and saluted them for winning the NCAA title. These young men are going to be very rich by the end of the summer. Everyone in Kansas grows corn in the yard.

President Bush went to Ford's Theatre last Sunday, where he enjoyed a performance by the great actor Hal Holbrook. It's part of a long tradition. Every president who starts a civil war has to visit Ford's Theatre during the last year of his presidency.

West Virginia lawmakers demanded Monday that Dick Cheney apologize for cracking a joke about West Virginians being inbreds. The state only has one marriage law. Gays are not allowed to marry in West Virginia unless they can prove they are related.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-8-08

2008-06-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Tudors was renewed for a third season by Showtime Monday. The last episode drew a massive number of viewers to see Anne Boleyn's public beheading. If Hillary Clinton doesn't behave herself, the ratings for the Democratic Convention could be huge.

Tyson Foods had to kill fifteen thousand contaminated chickens Wednesday. Bird flu has arrived from overseas. Barack Obama immediately distanced himself from pheasant under glass and John McCain demanded that the United States bomb the Canary Islands.

Vanity Fair ran an article stating Bill Clinton was playing around with models and actresses and heiresses on the road. His motives are obvious. Bill Clinton is going to keep sleeping with women until he can find one who can get elected president.

Hillary Clinton sent hints to Barack Obama's campaign Thursday that she'd like to be his vice president. It's the safe decision. His Secret Service detail has enough reasons to stay on constant alert but this would really keep them on their toes.

Gary Hart said Wednesday Hillary Clinton should fight for the nomination all the way to the convention. He said he knows what it feels like to come close. Twenty years ago Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket but he couldn't get his pants on.

Barack Obama said Thursday he'd prefer to have a debate with John McCain along the lines of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. It makes no sense. How are we going to have a post-racial candidacy that kicks off with a debate on the extension of slavery?

Jimmy Carter told the London Guardian Wednesday it'll be a nightmare ticket if Barack Obama chooses Hillary Clinton to be his running mate. That's saying something. The man who believes that Hamas and Israel can find common ground thinks there is no chance of reconciliation whatsoever between Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama.

Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six-million-dollar home in Beverly Hills, citing his inability to make the mortgage payments. No one can believe he's burned through fifty years of television money. He could just kick himself for buying that Hummer.

General Motors announced Tuesday it's looking to sell the manufacturing rights to its Hummer in the belief that record-high gasoline prices will continue. The vehicle gets six miles a gallon. Only the war in Iraq costs more to run than a Hummer.

New York's new state excise tax kicked in Tuesday, which caused cigarette prices to hit an astounding twelve dollars per pack in New York City. You can already see the effects. Guys have begun faking a smoker's cough in order to pick up women in bars.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed serious concerns about the U.S. dollar because its low value is a reason for high prices. One of these days God will ask to have his name removed from our money. He doesn't want to go into Chapter Eleven.

Canada's parliament sought Thursday to give U.S. military deserters sanctuary in Canada. It would help their economy. They did it for Vietnam war deserters forty years ago and it resulted in the world's finest marijuana being grown in British Columbia.

The White House sent Congress a plan to help Mexico halt drug trafficking. The police and drug dealers there are in an open war. It's breaking up families, with Baby Boomers rooting for one side and their parents and children rooting for the other.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio