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Argus Hamilton's column for 3-21-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 08:53:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

CBS Sports promoted Tiger Woods's return to the Masters in April as the biggest media event since President Obama's inauguration day. The president loves golf and Tiger loves adultery. If they would swap jobs it might go better for both of them.

Tiger Woods angered golf purists Tuesday for selecting the hallowed Masters as his return venue. His image is in tatters. In a poll last week a thousand blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods and sixty percent replied never again.

The Los Angeles Marathon will be run today from Dodger Stadium to Malibu. The route forced twenty-six churches to cancel Sunday services. People in L.A. worship their own bodies and they don't understand why the earthquakes won't leave us alone.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized Wednesday for testing positive for cocaine last year, telling reporters it's the only time he ever did coke in his life. Nobody is buying it. Does he think he's running for president twenty years ago?

Michael Jackson's estate signed a quarter-billion dollar deal with Sony. He is the second dead superstar in history who's worth more dead than alive. It just shows that if Lisa Marie Presley is in your will you're not going to live to be sixty.

Tea Party protesters against health care reform came to Capitol Hill Wednesday looking for wavering Democrats. They didn't find many. They should have checked out the St. Patrick's Day parade in New York where the free beer had everybody wavering.

House Democrats rolled out their health care reform bill Thursday. It contains huge tax increases, massive subsidies, penalties for businesses and mandates for individuals. Hours earlier a Muslim cleric in Yemen had called for the destruction of America and for the rest of the day he felt like Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi's plan to pass health care reform without a vote ran into a firestorm Thursday. She was shocked to hear the public was paying attention to the details. Thanks to Tiger Woods everyone's an expert on the reconciliation process.

Nancy Pelosi conjured a no-vote maneuver on health care Wednesday in which the House would deem the Senate bill passed. It lets Democrats seize the health care industry a year after seizing GM. Now they're fighting over who gets to shoot the Czar.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich changed his mind Wednesday and decided to support the health care reform bill. This is big. The health care reform bill now has the support of the only U.S. congressman who ever saw a UFO in Shirley MacLaine's back yard.

President Obama held the Friends of Ireland lunch at the White House Wednesday and said his mother's ancestors lived in Ireland. It's true. His mother's side is Anglo-Norman and if you conquer a place, you can technically say that you live there.

President Obama's disapproval ratings went up in the polls Tuesday as Newsweek reported a malaise in America. This is nothing new. If it were any more like the Carter Era, President Obama would be constantly embarrassed by his brother Billy Obama.

Hillary Clinton bawled out Benjamin Netanyahu over the phone Tuesday over new apartment buildings that Israel began building in Jerusalem. She was livid. It's the exact same tone of voice she used when she found out Bill had his own apartment.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-19-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 08:52:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods announced Tuesday he will return to the PGA tour at the Masters in Augusta in April. Bookmakers made him a four-to-one favorite. Augusta National Country Club does not allow women so you figure his concentration should be excellent.

Capitol Hill phone lines were jammed by health care reform opponents on Tuesday as debate raged in Congress. It was chaos. The phone lines were so tied up that lawmakers were forced to use their own cell phones to make their NCAA tournament bets.

Jamie McCourt was revealed Monday to be planning to leverage her position as president of the Dodgers to run for U.S. president. It fell through when she got caught cheating. The John Edwards story isn't even a stage play yet and already there's a road company.

Toyota paid four thousand auto workers a quarter billion dollars in severance pay Monday as they closed their California plant. They have to get rid of the cash. If you leave it lying around, the trial lawyers are just going to break in through the windows.

Los Angeles was hit by a moderate earthquake at four o'clock in the morning on Tuesday. When quakes hit California late at night everyone does the same thing. We jump out of bed, turn on the news and see if the anchorman is underneath the desk.

Israel's Ambassador to the United States said Monday that U.S.-Israeli relations are at a crisis point. Things are tense. This would be a good time for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that her husband's last girlfriend was Jewish.

House Democrats tried Tuesday to pass health care reform without taking a vote on it. This is their chance. If it turns out they wasted an entire year and accomplished nothing they'll be able to run on all the money they saved the taxpayers.

Democrats vowed Monday to stay in session all weekend to pass the health care reform bill. They've agreed on everything except abortion, coverage for illegal immigrants, and how to pay for it. It makes Middle East peace look like a doable deal.

Democratic former congresswoman Marjorie Margolies assured former House members Tuesday there's life after Congress if voters run them out over health care reform. It was a sign that Democrats are getting cold feet on health care. When Democrats say everyone must sacrifice for the greater good they expect to get a sponsor's exemption.

Tea Party members stormed Congress Tuesday to protest health care reform. They are serious. Many of them are Southern Baptists and they just elected a nude male model U.S. senator from Massachusetts over the candidate who favored health care reform.

President Obama urged Democratic House members Tuesday to vote for health care reform even if the vote costs the congressmen their jobs. Fortunes of war. If they wanted to be on the government payroll for life they should have become auto workers.

The State Department warned college students Tuesday against going to Mexico on Spring Break. Drug cartels have been executing Americans. Mexico would do a lot better in world markets if they would learn not to kill or kidnap their best customers.

ESPN's Erin Andrews goes on ABC's Dancing with the Stars Monday days after her stalker went to prison for thirty months. She was furious he didn't get more time. He slipped a camera though her hotel door peephole, took pictures of her naked, posted them on the Internet for the world to see, and she has no sense of humor about it at all.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-18-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 08:36:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The L.A. Marathon will have a record number of runners this Sunday. There'll be twenty-five thousand people running down the street in the same direction. That's what happens when you start a rumor that the FDIC is shutting down the Bank of America.

Tiger Woods enlisted the aid of public relations advisor Ari Fleischer to help him handle the media Monday. He needs improvement. Tiger's last press conference was so robotic that TV viewers thought it was an infomercial for a high-tech sex doll.

Lady Gaga released a video Monday in which she and Beyonce gleefully kill their boyfriends by poisoning them. It includes a triumphant dance routine inside a women's prison. Of course it's a fantasy, celebrities would never be convicted in Los Angeles.

Parliament heard an environmental report Monday saying that snorting two lines of cocaine destroys four square yards of tropical rainforest. It's true. During the first season of Saturday Night Live six explorers died of thirst in the Amazon Desert.

The White House vowed to take up immigration reform Friday despite the issue's divisiveness. No one blames the immigrants. These people risk their lives to cross the dangerous Mexican border in order to achieve the American dream, a government job.

Democratic Party leaders in Washington predicted Monday that by the end of the week they will have the votes for health care reform. They said it will be the law of the land by Friday. They plan to celebrate at the opening ceremony of the Chicago Olympics.

The White House lobbied hard for health care reform on Monday. Their tally was still five short. Rahm Emanuel was naked at Reagan Airport lobbying congressmen trying to leave for Easter recess, and TSA still made him go through airport security.

John Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter discussed her adulterous affair with John Edwards in GQ magazine. He's in big trouble for using campaign donors' money to support her and keep her quiet. John Edwards always said there are Two Americas, one where people work hard and raise their families and another one where men can be themselves.

Detroit city workers were ordered not to wear any perfume, cologne, aftershave or deodorant to work starting Monday due to a worker's lawsuit. He had no choice but to sue for huge damages over his fragrance injury. Nobody in Detroit owns a Toyota.

Toyota challenged Prius driver James Sikes's claims that his Prius ran wild on him on the San Diego Freeway last week. Only one thing rings true. He bought the car based on its ad slogan that Toyota puts the pedal to the metal and keeps it there.

Mattel announced Friday it will offer new Barbie and Ken dolls based on the TV show Mad Men. It's set in the early Sixties when New York advertising executives drank and smoked and had sex in their offices. The only way you can an attract an audience to watch a workplace drama is to set it during the Kennedy administration.

The Green Zone starring Matt Damon was clobbered by Alice in Wonderland at the box office. It's odd. If people want fairy tales you can't beat one which begins by saying once upon a time Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Attorney General Eric Holder was criticized Monday for failing to reveal briefs he filed for a terror suspect before his confirmation hearings. Like nine other lawyers in the Justice Department, he represented terrorists for free. So the Republicans are wrong when they say that the Obama administration can't work with the other side.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-17-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 08:13:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Selection Sunday left the NCAA basketball tournament without traditional powers Indiana, UCLA and North Carolina invited to play. It's the new standard in sports. Everybody who cheated on their wives with pancake waitresses is out of the tournament.

Tiger Woods was reported Friday to be planning a return to the PGA Tour at the Masters in Augusta. He's been practicing but no one knows if he's ready. Everyone is waiting to see if he can drive three hundred yards without hitting a fire hydrant.

Charlie Sheen was arraigned in Colorado for threatening his wife Monday. Their lawyers are limiting the damage. They're both going to rehab, then they're both going to marriage counseling, then they're both going to Augusta to play in the Masters.

Chicago's O'Hare Airport installed its first full-body scanner on Tuesday. The city is famous for its pizza, pork ribs, steaks and beer. The TSA screeners can't be enjoying their job, nobody's seen this many spare tires since the Firestone recall.

President Obama's statue in Indonesia was taken down Thursday. The locals were throwing shoes at it. When people in Muslim cultures want to show disrespect they throw shoes at you, while in Protestant cultures they don't pass your health care bill.

President Obama told an Ohio crowd they'll get a three thousand dollar raise if health care passes. They all booed the insurance companies on cue and chanted Obama's name. It's nice to see that the studio audience from The Jeffersons is working again.

House Democrats conjured a strategy Monday that would allow the House to avoid a vote on the health care bill. Instead they would deem the bill passed and send it to the president. We ordered Iraq not to look, this is for mature democracies only.

President Obama made a guest appearance on the one-thousandth episode of America's Most Wanted. This president will do everything he can to get these men captured. He doesn't want to share the post office wall with anybody else's picture.

Toyota Motors stunned analysts Friday announcing that the sales of Toyotas rose fifty percent this month. The car fits the nation's personality. Americans are always trying to get ahead and tests show that if you drive a Toyota you'll never stop.

Nissan recalled five hundred thousand autos with faulty brakes and fuel gauges Thursday a week after Toyota's massive recall. It's out of control. The X-games just removed skateboarding and replaced it with driving a hybrid in the carpool lane.

Matt Damon drew rave reviews for the Green Zone as a U.S. Army officer searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He shared the credit. At the premiere he was very careful to thank the two people who made the movie possible, Bush and Cheney.

Rush Limbaugh declared on his radio show last week that he'll leave the United States to receive his health care if the ObamaCare plan passes. The doctors in the president's home state of Hawaii saved his life in December. He had the presence of mind during a heart attack to tell the emergency room nurse he was Nikita Khruschev.

Tea Party activists arrived on Capitol Hill for a protest against ObamaCare Tuesday and the Democratic leadership told House staffers to greet them with coffee and snacks. Are they crazy? You don't want agitators amped up on caffeine and sugar, this is the time Democrats should be seeking common ground on medical marijuana.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 10:09:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tom Hanks showed his HBO series The Pacific to President Obama Thursday in the White House. It's the true story of three U.S. Marines in World War II who killed a lot of Japanese soldiers. The timing is terrible, now it looks like Toyota's got a motive.

Toyota began a new advertising campaign Monday promising to fix their cars and thanking consumers for their patience. The automaker has never lied. Their last advertising campaign promised consumers that Toyota is the last car you'll ever drive.

Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant of Tiger Woods's mistresses, who competed by modeling lingerie and telling Tiger sex stories. Ratings were huge. If the Miss America Pageant wants a new TV contract they have their work cut out for them.

Tiger Woods hired former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer Tuesday to advise him. Ari can handle the media onslaught. What's a little adultery scandal when you can look the country in the eye and say Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?

The Royal Opera in London announced Friday it will stage an original production called Anna Nicole on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. Opera was never that big in England. No English tenor ever hit a high-C without accidentally backing into a spear first.

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco allowed God to stay in the Pledge of Allegiance. It was close. The judges were about to rule in favor of the atheists but then there were five major earthquakes around the world and they remembered how much trouble it is to drive around the bay to get to work every morning.

Moscow residents protested new Red Square billboards which show Josef Stalin smiling at the people. Stalin still has a following among people who want the government to take care of them. Two years ago he nearly won a U.S. congressional seat in New York.

President Obama spoke out for health care reform in St. Louis Wednesday. Many local politicians refused to be seen with him. When the Republicans see you as a socialist and Democrats see you as a smoker you can't even get a passenger for the carpool lane.

China announced Thursday it will hold college seminars on communist journalism given by Culture Minister Li Dong Dong. That's really his name. Eric Massa just offered China nuclear secrets if they'll let him study within arm's length of this guy.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reported Thursday to have been told last October that Congressman Eric Massa was living with young male staffers. He's become famous as a serial groper of male staffers. In the health care debate he favored Single Player.

The House Oversight Committee said Thursday the six billion dollars in bailout money loaned to GMAC will never be repaid. It's GM's finance company. GMAC had to pay that money out in executive bonuses to stay competitive with other financial firms.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy ranted Wednesday about the media caring more about Eric Massa than the Afghanistan war. What nerve. Patrick Kennedy comes from such a family of gropers that his grandfather Joe's hand played Thing in the Addams Family.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell said Thursday he will sign a law which bans the U.S. government from requiring Virginians to buy health insurance, signaling thirty-four other states who are considering the same bill. You know what this means. When Sarah Palin becomes president, she will be able to see the Confederacy from her house.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-14-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 09:37:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

French President Nicolas Sarkozy and first lady Carla Bruni were reported both carrying on adulterous affairs Tuesday. It's sad. The reason newspapers are doing so much better in Europe than in America is because our national pastime is baseball.

Sprint Cup's Carl Edwards was suspended Monday for a reckless crash. He struck another car and sent it into the air at two hundred mph. It's what they have to do to sell tickets now that they're competing with the excitement of amateurs in Toyotas.

The Academy Awards omitted Farrah Fawcett's name from their tribute to stars who died last year. Many are angry. Ryan O'Neal was so upset by her omission that he propositioned the reporter who asked him for his reaction, thinking it was his daughter.

The White House said Wednesday that passing health care reform will reduce the deficit. Critics say it'd he an expensive cradle-to-grave welfare system just like in France. The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State building after taxes.

Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade Monday over its talking baby ad starring Milkaholic Lindsay. She said they stole her image. The baby just countersued Lindsay because now the only book they'll read her in day care is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Naomi Campbell claimed Wednesday she was heading to Haiti when she disappeared after assaulting her chauffeur. She meant well. She's going to Haiti to counsel starving people on how they can make malnutrition work for them in the fashion industry.

Congressman Ron Paul denounced the idea of a national ID card to keep illegal aliens from taking American jobs. Don't think these cards can't be counterfeited. In America the rights of U.S. citizenship are enshrined but in Mexico they're laminated.

Senate Democrats ordered staffers not to read the Drudge Report at work Monday, saying it spreads a virus. The Democrats are clueless. It'd be news if just one of them is faithful to their spouses and they think viruses are coming from the Internet.

The House Ethics Committee may continue its ethics investigation into resigned congressman Eric Massa. It's just so embarrassing. The Ethics Committee investigated him for three months and couldn't find a trace of ethics on him.

Chief Justice John Roberts slammed President Obama for criticizing the Supreme Court in the State of the Union address. The president showed no respect for the justices. As far as he's concerned, any government employee who's not in a union is an enemy of the people.

President Obama flew to St. Louis to deliver his fortieth speech on health care reform Wednesday. He swore it would be his last speech on health care reform. The only they could fill the room is to tell the people something they wanted to hear.

The Dallas Cowboys will allow their old Texas Stadium to be imploded at the push of a button by an eleven-year-old essay winner. It could draw a million people. At the push of the button the stadium will explode and Texas will declare its independence.

The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content along with pitched battles over religious content. It's dangerous to let an oil state set textbook standards for the whole nation. On the eighth day God did not invent the internal combustion engine.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 09:02:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger was accused by a Georgia college girl of sexually assaulting her in a bar. She told the police that he was out of control and wouldn't stop. He should have given the Prius to the valet when he had the chance.

Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade for using her image in its talking baby commercial with the milkaholic baby Lindsay. She's right. Child Protective Services showed up during the shoot after they got a report there was cocaine in the baby's dressing room.

Karl Rove's book My Life as a Conservative came out on Monday about his career campaigning for Republicans. He started with Richard Nixon and he ended up with George W. Bush. He hopes St. Peter buys that progression as a sincere effort to improve.

Democrat Eric Massa says Rahm Emanuel stormed into the House gym shower naked and badgered him to vote for the president's budget. The congressmen was under investigation for groping three male staffers. Rahm Emanuel does a lot of research in order to find out how to give each congressman what he wants in exchange for his vote.

Congressman Eric Massa resigned Monday and went on Glenn Beck's show Tuesday to trade erratic and goofy statements with the host. They didn't need to compete. If Silence of the Lambs is made into a stage production it can play in two cities at once.

Joe Biden went to Israel to work on the Mideast peace process with Israel and the Palestinians. The president sent Biden to a region where one reckless remark could start a world war. Defense stocks rose on news that his plane landed safely in Israel.

Dan Rather told Chris Matthews Saturday that if the White House can't get health care passed, people will say President Obama couldn't sell watermelons on the roadside if a state trooper was stopping traffic for him. It offended many. The idea of cops pulling people over for no reason is still a sore subject in the black community.

President Obama gave House and Senate Democratic leaders a legislative deadline Monday, saying he wants the health care reform bill passed in ten days, before he leaves for Indonesia and Australia. He's flying away on Easter. That's what saviors do.

House Democratic leader Steny Hoyer told reporters Tuesday that Congress was not bound by any White House deadline for passing health care. The congressman had an epiphany. Someone slipped a copy of the Constitution in his Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and he just found out that Congress has more power than the president.

The White House was reported by ESPN Tuesday to be considering banning sport fishing in America. It's a smart move. He's beginning to understand that the only way he can get reelected is if New York and California are the only two states left in the union.

The FBI arrested two Southern Californians Tuesday for taking and passing college tests for young Middle Eastern men so they could keep their student visas. A middle-aged white guy and a blonde college girl posed as young Middle Eastern men in classes and nobody in L.A. questioned them. A lot of people in show business change their names.

Howard Dean led protests outside an insurance conference in Washington Tuesday to demand national health care. He's not helping the situation. If he didn't march people outside in the cold and in the rain they might not get sick in the first place.

Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer proposed a national ID card for everybody who has a job in America. Civil liberties lawyers and gun rights advocates hit the ceiling. It's the first time they've been on the same side of an issue since Yorktown.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-11-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:37:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Iraqis voted by the millions in Iraq's parliamentary elections Sunday, ignoring bomb and grenade attacks. It could have been worse. Thousands of lives were saved after both Sunnis and Shiites agreed not to make health care reform an election issue.

Golf World said Bill Clinton gave Tiger Woods a phone call of encouragement on Friday. The former president certainly has some experience in this to share with him. The best guess is that forty-two days of rehab were just undone by one phone call.

The House Commerce Committee called for Toyota to come clean over its problems with its fuel injection and sticky accelerators. It's not a problem everywhere. In California the Toyotas go so fast they are starting to cut into Porsche's market share.

Harrah's Casino estimated Friday that Americans will bet sixty billion dollars on the NCAA tournament. It includes legal bets in sports books and illegal office betting pools nationwide. The idea to teach children there is more to life than poker.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin agreed to appear on the Secret Life of an American Teenager on the ABC Family Network this year. She's going to talk about the cost of being a single mother. It cost her her senior year in high school, it cost John McCain the election, and now it's going to cost the nation our free-market system.

The House Ethics Committee launched an investigation into Democratic Congressman Eric Massa, who resigned over it Monday. They couldn't give him a pass on ethics. With a name like Massa he would never be admitted into the Congressional Black Caucus.

General Motors announced last week they are closing the Hummer division. There is a mad scramble for Hummer's customer list. The male enhancement product company that gets that mailing list will rule the market for the next twenty years.

Indonesia suffered the latest earthquake Friday, following quakes in Haiti and Chile and Taiwan. We know who's next. Every house on the route of next week's L.A. Marathon has been advised to stock up on bottled water and watch the race from inside a doorway.

U.S. Rep. Eric Massa said Democrats ran him out of Congress because he is opposed to health care reform. He wanted to stay. He was accused of making sexual advances on a male staffer but it just wasn't enough to save his career in the Democratic Party.

President Obama will not be attending Washington D.C.'s annual Gridiron Dinner roast next week. Bill Clinton was invited to take his place. Traditionally the U.S. president is the guest of honor but there comes a point when you have to sell tickets.

President Obama on Monday ordered Congress to pass health care reform in ten days before congressmen go home for Easter and hear from voters. Resurrection season is scary for politicians. Republicans are worried that the health care bill will be resurrected and Democrats are scared that the Republican Majority will come back from the dead.

The Treasury Department will give Ben Franklin a new look on the one-hundred dollar bill. He gets a facelift every two years to thwart counterfeiters. One more facelift and people are going to wonder why Bruce Jenner's on the hundred dollar bill.

The Academy Awards shocked critics with its conservative theme on Sunday. Best Picture Oscar went to a pro Iraq War movie, Best Actor was about a country singer and Best Actress about a Southern white family who adopts a black kid. The biggest shock of the night was when they gave the Lifetime Achievement Award to George W. Bush.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-10-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:42:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress Sunday one day after she won the Razzie for Worst Actress in another movie. It's not new. Last year Toyota won Car of the Year from both Car and Driver magazine and the Personal Injury Attorneys Guild.

The Hurt Locker won the Oscar for Best Picture over Avatar Sunday in Hollywood. It wasn't close. Avatar was a huge hit which used computer animated characters in the movie and actors would rather support the Iraq War than vote themselves out of a job.

Raquel Welch was flying to Chicago to do Oprah's show Tuesday when her bustier set off the metal detector at the L.A. airport. The danger was very real. If she opens the cockpit door wearing that thing, the pilot will do anything she tells him to do.

Tiger Woods reconciled with his wife Elin in Orlando Friday. He's amazing. Any guy who can make up with his wife without getting sued for breach of promise by any one of his fifteen mistresses has what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.

Sarah Palin did the Tonight Show in Burbank last week and then pitched a reality show to ABC about her life in Alaska. The network turned it down. This is a nation raised on Rocky and Bullwinkle, we really don't want to see them in a pot on her stove.

Democratic Congressman Eric Massa said Rahm Emanuel approached him naked in the House shower and yelled at him to back health care. What a circus. Ever since Barney Frank took away the curtains, Democrats have enjoyed the element of surprise in the House shower.

San Diego cops assisted a Prius driver who was stuck going a hundred miles an hour Monday. Californians love this car. Not only can you drive in the carpool lane by yourself in a Prius but you can go a hundred miles an hour with full immunity.

L.A. Airport installed the first full-body scanners in America Saturday. This is a pilot program. They want to start the program in a city where everyone's bulimic so that the naked bodies on the demo reel will look good in the congressional hearings.

The White House told staffers Monday to ignore all the press stories of palace intrigue in the Washington D.C. newspapers. It's bad. The president has been spiking everybody's Diet Cokes with Flomax but so far it hasn't stopped the continuous leaking.

President Obama's haircut was described by hair stylists Monday as the Caesar Cut. It copies Julius Caesar, who overthrew the Roman Republic and established a dictatorship. Nobody would have believed two years ago that by 2012, Dick Cheney would be able to run for president as the Middle Way between socialism and oil kingdom.

The White House haggled with moderate Democrats opposed to health care reform Monday. It marked the one-year anniversary of the president's health care push. A year ago he was promising quality affordable health care for all Americans, and today he's promising to quit smoking eventually and do something about his cholesterol.

Ben Roethlisberger was accused of sex assault by a college girl Saturday. He's being sued for rape in another incident. Next time he lunges across the goal line the announcer should think twice before saying that Ben Roethlisberger won't be denied.

The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content Monday with opposing panels battling over religious references. Some editing is necessary. The Garden of Eden was not in Austin and Joshua did not led the Israelites to victory over Oklahoma.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-9-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 10:40:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger retired last week, a year after landing his airliner safely on the Hudson River. He said he owed it all to good communication with the control tower. He's just lucky his six-year-old grandson was on duty that day.

Sarah Palin did a stand-up routine on the Tonight Show Tuesday. They booked her for an interview and stand-up comedy. After the psychiatric profession classifed narcissism as a disability last week, Democrats are required to give her equal access.

Academy Award nominees were ordered not to thank anyone during their acceptance speeches Sunday. It's no secret why. Hollywood is so liberal that it's trying to convey the impression that anything good that happens is caused by a government program.

Betty White was named to host Saturday Night Live this year thanks to her hit Super Bowl ad. An eighty-eight-year-old woman now delivers the young male demographic. NBC just annnounced that in five years they are going to replace Jay Leno with Joan Rivers.

The Episcopal Church reunited with the Methodists in England, triggering talks of reunification in the U.S. This would split the Tea Party. Until now, they've had to spend all their time fighting socialists, now the monarchists are coming over the hill.

President Obama underwent a virtual colonoscopy procedure during his physical last week. Virtual colonoscopies don't require sedation but real colonoscopies do. The procedure is administered by a gastroenterologist and occasionally by a choreographer.

Congressman Pete Stark declined to chair the Ways and Means Committee Friday. He's next in line but there's too much old videotape of him spewing anti-business and anti-war venom. He could retire on the royalties from his Michael Moore movies alone.

Democratic Congressman Eric Massa of New York resigned Thursday as allegations surfaced that he sexually harassed a young male staffer. It's not the first time this has happened. U.S. Congressmen are always anxious to turn the page on this kind of scandal, but turning the pages is what started the scandal in the first place.

President Obama went on America's Most Wanted Saturday to celebrate the series' one-thousandth episode. It's only right. For ten years America's Most Wanted has helped tracked down criminals and Saturday's show was devoted to Illinois politicians.

President Obama named a judge to sit on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals whose brother is a U.S. congressman undecided on his health care reform vote. This came on the heels of the Louisiana, Florida and Nebraska bribes. The electricity bill at the White House has tripled since the Chicago Machine started running in the basement.

President Obama met with ten House Democrats opposed to the health care bill. He did all he could to get their votes. He promised to campaign for them in their districts and when that didn't work, he threatened to campaign for them in their districts.

Tiger Woods was dropped by Gatorade as its TV commercial spokesman Tuesday. It was the first corporate response to his apology. There's a lot of money at stake here, and Gatorade doesn't want credit for the energy lift that broke up his marriage.

Taiwan was hit by an earthquake Wednesday a week afer Chile's monster quake and two weeks after Haiti's. The global swarm of earthquakes has Californians nervous. The earth's tectonic plates are the original example of what goes around comes around.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-7-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 09:40:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported an earthquake hit Taiwan Wednesday. This followed massive quakes in Chile and in Haiti. California is sitting nervously on death row knowing that the governor's phone was turned off because he couldn't pay the bill.

The FAA suspended a JFK Airport controller Thursday for letting his little boy direct air traffic from the tower. The kid was a natural on the microphone. Within two days Michael Jackson's father had signed him to a contract and taken all his money.

The Berlin Zoo may castrate a polar bear to keep him from mating with a female polar bear because she's his cousin. They said it threatens diversity. Leave it to Germans to determine the difference between white polar bears and white polar bears.

Tiger Woods returned to his Florida home from Arizona Tuesday where he finally began practicing golf. He hasn't yet announced when he will return to the game which made him internationally famous. It all depends upon his wife's travel schedule.

The Golf Channel debuted a new reality show called Being John Daly. It follows him as he tries to return to the tour. Last year John Daly was only invited to six tournaments--the Betty Ford, the Meadows, Hazledon, Promises in Malibu and SmokeEnders.

The Smithsonian on Monday rejected the suit that O.J. Simpson wore in court the day he was acquitted of murder. The museum won't hear of it. They're afraid that some night the suit will get jealous and attack a first lady's gown with Jim Bowie's knife.

President Obama introduced a new health care bill Wednesday flanked by doctors dressed in white lab coats. They smiled and applauded his every word. He's casting for a new White House doctor after the last one yelled at him for smoking and eating fried food.

President Obama told the country all the wonderful things his health care plan will do for everybody. He sounded like a waiter describing the nightly specials. Everything sounds great but when the check comes you have to burn the restaurant down.

President Obama said Wednesday that the time for talk about health care reform has ended and debate is over. One thing's for certain. He'll have a nice audition tape ready for presentation when the job of North Korean dictator is finally open.

Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska hinted the U.S. should cut off Japanese car imports because Japan won't buy Nebraska beef. Japan thinks U.S. beef is unsafe, but it isn't true. Nebraskans who drive off the road cause car wrecks, not the cows they hit.

JP Morgan's chairman Jamie Dimon said the risk of California defaulting on its debt is bigger than the risk of Greece defaulting on its debt. He's wrong. The Greeks invented democracy and Calfornia invented fake breasts, which way would you bet?

The Miss America Pageant was dropped by the Learning Channel Monday. There's no worry. If they can just get the contestants to stop talking about achieving world peace and start talking about winning the War on Terror, Fox News will air the pageant.

GOP Congressman Patrick McHenry of North Carolina said Tuesday he wants Ronald Reagan's picture to replace Ulysses Grant on the U.S. fifty-dollar bill. You can see where this is going. Ten bucks says a year from now it will be on the Texas one-dollar bill.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-5-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 09:22:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

New York madam Kristin Davis announced Monday she will run for governor. She's promised to legalize prostitution. The way lawmakers have been screwing the taxpayers it was inevitable that someone would step up and demand a cut for arranging it.

The Winter Olympics reportedly scored near-record ratings for NBC in the last two weeks. Only one Winter Olympics drew more viewers. If Olympic medals were given to athletes who draw the best ratings, Tonya Harding would still be on a box of Wheaties.

Washington motorist Roy Messenger crashed into a power pole Monday. While he was waiting for help to arrive he urinated on a live wire and got electrocuted. He is the first conductor to be killed all year who wasn't text messaging at the time.

Pamela Anderson was selected to be a celebrity contestant on ABC's Dancing with the Stars this fall. It will be great to see her again. Several years ago she had breast reduction surgery, a procedure that is better known in Hollywood as retirement.

Tiger Woods won a CBS poll of womanizers Americans are most likely to forgive. He outpolled Charlie Sheen, John Edwards and Roman Polanksi. CBS wanted to put him in a match-up he could win to help him get his confidence back in time for the Masters.

Texas Governor Rick Perry easily won the GOP primary for governor Tuesday. He conducted an old-fashioned campaign right out of the playbook of John C. Calhoun. He put up no yard signs, he made no robo calls, and he hinted at secession.

President Obama got a physical at Bethesda Hospital Saturday. He was given a virtual colonoscopy in which the doctors simulate a thorough rectal exam without actually doing one. It's the same way the House Ethics Committee's been examining Charlie Rangel.

President Obama said he'll consider four of the GOP health care ideas. That is news. Until now the only four GOP ideas he's considered are keep your head still, take the club back low, make a full backswing, then let your hips begin the downswing.

GM announced a sales increase in February as the House continued dragging Toyota over the coals. The lawmakers really beat up on the world's number-one carmaker. If congressmen don't sell their quota of GM cars by the end of the month, they get fired.

Toyota recalled nine hundred thousand cars Monday to fix leaky oil hoses. It's a safety issue. With oil at eighty dollars a barrel, unemployed people are chasing after Toyotas with paper cups trying to catch enough to keep their cars running.

Postmaster General John Potter asked Congress to eliminate Saturday mail delivery. It's an effort to trim postal costs. They say eliminating Saturday delivery will reduce stress on the postal workers, and maybe fewer of them will require anti-psychotic medication.

Hillary Clinton arrived in Chile with earthquake relief supplies Tuesday. She brought generators, home supplies, water purification systems and field hospitals. It was all left over from when she survived the Starr Report without getting indicted.

The Census Bureau angered Americans with census form questions this week. They ask you to state your income. You must answer carefully because if you report an income that's too low, the government will take away your children, and if it's too high the government will show up at your door and make you pay your neighbor's mortgage.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-4-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 09:21:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Russia's president Dmitri Medvedev demanded Olympic coaches be fired Monday after a poor showing in Vancouver. They miss the old Soviet system. Nothing's more effective than a hockey coach who can honestly tell his team that it is shoot or be shot out there.

Tiger Woods checked out of sex rehab and into a drug rehab last week. Sex rehabs turn you into a drug addict, drug rehabs turn you into an alcoholic, and alcohol rehabs turn you back into a sex addict. America can power windmills with this kind of energy.

Hawaii was warned a killer wave was en route after Friday's big earthquake. It stirred up a bar association convention in Oahu. They had two hundred lawyers on the island perfectly willing to sue God but they couldn't get a volunteer to serve Him.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was revised Thursday, sixteen years after its last edition. It defines narcissistic personality disorder as a physical disability. Now everyone in Los Angeles is entitled to handicapped parking.

USA Today said El Nino left record rainfall in Los Angeles this winter. We got more rain than Colombia. The foreclosure crisis is behind us now that the front lawn of every vacant home in Beverly Hills can grow enough coca bushes to pay the mortgage.

Jerry Brown announced Tuesday he will run for California governor in November. He was governor in the Seventies. Whenever there are high gas prices, tensions with Iran and a drug epidemic, Jerry Brown returns to the governor's office like the swallows to Capistrano.

Parliament's Daniel Hannon founded the British Tea Party Friday to lower taxes and reduce government. Smaller government is a bad idea there. How many tourists are going to fly to London to see the Changing of the Guard outside the Queen's condo unit?

Charlie Rangel refused to step down Monday after being admonished by the House Ethics Committee. The chairman said what he did was not unethical. When a Democrat secretly accepts Caribbean trips from wealthy corporations it's called bipartisanship.

Nancy Pelosi was told by pollsters Monday there's a very real chance Democrats could lose control of the House to Republicans. Under Pelosi's leadership no landmark progressive social legislation has been passed. She should be preserved in amber.

President Obama's annual physical Saturday resulted in the doctor advising him to try to drink moderately. It's a measure of the anger in the country. He has to host six beer summits each day just to keep his approval rating over forty percent.

New York Governor David Paterson said he won't seek re-election. He's condoned graft in the governor's office, casual drug use, and sex between co-workers. About the only thing you can say for his administration is that no one is ever late to work.

Toyota recalled a hundred and twenty-eight thousand oil hoses Monday. So now it's the breaks, the accelerators, the electronics, and the cars are leaking oil. The Japanese thought it would be impolite to build a car where everything works but the driver.

Reverend Louis Farrakhan spoke to four hundred thousand Black Muslims Saturday in Chicago. He said people are conspiring to make Obama a one-term president. He said he's tired of playing the white man's game, but why bring hockey into this?

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-3-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 09:49:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Team Canada won the Olympic gold medal in hockey in Vancouver Sunday, defeating Team USA in an overtime thriller for the ages. No one has ever seen a happier home crowd. In Canada prescription drugs are so affordable that everybody is on Paxil.

Tiger Woods threatened to sue animal-welfare group PETA after they tried to put his photo on billboards saying Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing. It's obviously not a real endorsement. It would be like putting Dick Cheney's picture on a Christmas card saying Peace on Earth.

Hawaiians headed for the hills Friday after news channels warned that a killer tsunami was coming. The wave was three feet high but it left quite a crowd on the beach. Whales can talk and the word had to be out that there's an opening at SeaWorld.

The Massachusetts Assembly was asked Monday by the Association for the Intellectually Challenged to outlaw the word retard. The advocates don't want the words retard or retarded used publicly in the Bay State. The acceptable term is non-Harvard.

Jay Leno returned to his late-night ratings war with Dave Letterman Monday. Jay booked Sarah Palin and Dave booked Mitt Romney. Johnny Carson started the tradition of only booking handsome leading men and ditzy actresses when he needed great ratings.

The Weather Channel reported winter records due to El Nino Monday. There's record cold in the East, record warm in the Northwest, and record rain in L.A., and forget about the South. It's the first time the Daytona 500 was run with chains on the tires.

The California Assembly passed a measure Friday declaring this week to be Cuss-Free Week in California. The timing was terrible. They declared this on a week when twenty people were nominated for an Academy Award and thirty million people weren't.

Senator Jim Bunning singlehandedly blocked new unemployment benefits Monday. It was embarrassing to Republicans who were trying to extend people some help in this bad economy. Some of their constituents have been reduced to carrying their own golf bags.

The White House said Monday President Obama will unveil a new slimmed-down health care reform bill today. No one believes the bill will stay slim for long. We've all seen what happened to Kirstie Alley and Chris Berman after they cashed the checks.

President Obama underwent his annual physical Saturday and afterwards the doctor lectured the president on smoking cigarettes and advised him to moderate his alcohol use. It's not Obama's fault. Every time he picks up a glass of water it changes into wine.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton embarked Monday upon a five-day trip to South America where she'll meet with leaders and promote Pan-American goodwill. Hillary's always had a special place in her heart for things Spanish. She even married Don Juan.

Toyota's president Akio Toyoda apologized to the House Oversight Committee last week. He was in town anyway. The Washington D.C. Auto Show had just been held at the civic arena and he was there to pay for the hole in the wall left by the new Corollas.

The Rostov Zoo in Russia sent Zhora the chimp to treatment for beer and tobacco addiction. Zoo visitors can't resist him when he beckons for a smoke or a beer. Next time a killer whale waves his tail at you at SeaWorld, he is not inviting you to hop on for a ride.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-2-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 09:47:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The NFL annual Scouting Combine began in Indianapolis Thursday. Each potential draftee is tested and examined and weighed and measured and evaluated. We could solve the national health care crisis if we could just get the NFL to draft everybody.

SeaWorld said Friday Tilly the Killer Whale won't be taken out of their shows after he killed his third person last week. The lines are around the block. Nobody ever thought of capturing Osama bin Laden by offering him three shows a day at SeaWorld.

British rugby star Terry Newton became the first athlete ever to test positive for Human Growth Hormone. There's a new test that measures HGH in the bloodstream. The drug makes you younger but if you do too much of it you can't get into nightclubs.

Tiger Woods checked into an Arizona rehab for painkillers Tuesday. He just left sex rehab. USA Today showed a map of the United States with a red dot on the map every place where a Tiger Woods mistress lives, and he has better coverage than Verizon.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda was besieged by grandstanding questions Wednesday from the House Oversight Committee. The Japanese sat at the witness table and looked stunned. Anybody would be with fifteen airbags going off in front of your face.

Dick Cheney was released from the hospital in Washington D.C. Wednesday after he suffered his fourth mild heart attack last week. He'll be fine as long as nothing upsets him. Doctors ordered him to stay in bed for two weeks and get lots of Fox News.

Roman Polanski drew rave reviews Thursday for his new political thriller, The Ghost Writer, which just opened. His old Hollywood friends stand by him. He only had sex with a minor, it's not like he was trying to buy health insurance across state lines.

Blair House hosted the health care summit Thursday near the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Blair House is named for an old Maryland planter. The Lincoln Memorial is the only thing in Washington that isn't named after a slave owner.

President Obama lobbied lawmakers hard for health care reform Thursday. At the end the president vowed to ram it through without Republican consent. If he can make it sound like a sex scandal everybody will stop calling him another Jimmy Carter.

President Obama hosted lawmakers Thursday saying he wanted bipartisan input on health care reform. Nobody's mind was changed. At the summit's end he threatened to go with the nuclear option, showing he's tougher on Republicans than he is on Iran.

President Obama promised equal time to Republicans to get them to attend Thursday's health summit. Once it started he declared he's the president and time rules don't apply to him. They all go in as Jimmy Stewart and within a year they're Saddam Hussein.

GM announced the end of Hummer after Chinese regulators refused to approve its purchase Wednesday. It was a proven dual-use vehicle. The Hummer had to earn its stripes in the Persian Gulf War before being approved for Los Angeles drug dealer use.

The House Ethics Committee issued its finding on House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel. They say he broke ethics rules by attending a conference where corporations were paying all the bills. House Ethics rules clearly state that the money must be securely wrapped and stored in the freezer so investigators think it's a casserole.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-28-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 09:31:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Japan's media accused the U.S. Congress of unfairly bashing Toyota executives on Wednesday. Overall Japan broke even for the day. They kill a lot of people on U.S. roads by making Toyotas but they save a lot of lives at SeaWorld by harpooning whales.

Toyota's president Akio Toyoda was subjected to a brutal grilling by Democrats in Congress Wednesday. His composure was remarkable. He did very well considering this was the first time he ever appeared before the board of a rival car manufacturer.

Toyota officials told Congress they are working to fix the sticky accelerators and brake problems. They knew about the problem in Japan and they fixed it, they knew about the problem in Europe and they fixed it. An American car won't admit it has a problem until somebody hits it with a golf club and it starts to lose endorsements.

SeaWorld in Orlando shut down on Wednesday after a killer whale leaped out of the water and killed the trainer as the audience watched in horror. These things happen in show business. Nobody ever paid a nickel to watch Casper the Friendly Whale.

ABC News president David Westin announced the firing of three hundred ABC News employees. He said the remaining eight hundred news staffers will have to multi-task now. Diane Sawyer will read the evening news and make coffee for the executives.

The White House began planning to set up a headquarters in Chicago for the campaign to re-elect President Obama. That's news. Last week he told ABC News he'd rather be a good one-term president than a mediocre two-term president but apparently he's changed his mind.

Superman's debut in Action Comics drew a million-dollar bid on Monday. It came out seventy-two years ago. Today parents have to explain to kids what a phone booth is and kids explain to parents why a flying man in tights isn't interested in Lois Lane.

Archaeology Today reported the discovery of an ancient wall in Jerusalem built by King Solomon. He was hugely popular. King Solomon had hundreds of mistresses and wives but he got away with it because he never told his sponsors he was monogamous.

Charlie Sheen checked into rehab Thursday with four episodes of Two and a Half Men still left to shoot for CBS this season. The actor has an ironclad deal regarding his production schedule. If shooting goes a minute overtime he gets paid time and a fifth.

Tiger Woods checked into a new clinic in Arizona Monday. He went to a rehab in Mississippi to treat his sex addiction, then to Arizona to deal with his prescription drug use. After that he goes to New York City where his next apology opens off-Broadway.

The White House backed a bill Friday giving ethnic Hawaiians a share of public lands if they can prove their pure Hawaiian blood. It's crazy. Why on earth would President Obama back a bill that forces every Hawaiian to produce a birth certificate?

Ole Miss got rid of Mississippi's Rebels nickname Tuesday after they'd replaced the Plantation Owner mascot. Not all the Confederacy's ideas turned out to be bad. Here in the middle of a swine flu epidemic everyone wants their own drinking fountain.

The White House invited Republicans to a health care summit Thursday even though Democrats plan to use a fifty-one-vote reconciliation process called the nuclear option to pass reform without them. It won't end there. If Democrats think reconciliation is the nuclear option just wait until South Carolina explains nullification to them.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-26-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 09:42:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The White House was accused of bashing Toyota Monday because the U.S. government owns GM. This could all work out. If we can just get Japan mad enough at us to attack Pearl Harbor, it could pull us out of the Great Depression for the second time.

Toyota executives were dragged over the coals by the House Oversight Committee in Congress Wednesday. They were forced to answer questions about over-acceleration and brake failures. All the executives agreed to go to sex rehab and try to do better.

John Daly signed to do commercials for Slix Closer boxer short men's underwear Monday. He didn't only make money on the endorsement. He also won a bet that there is at least one white, blonde, big-chested underwear model that Tiger Woods won't date.

Winter Olympics officials were petitioned Tuesday to make pole dancing a sport in the next Winter Games. It would be pretty boring to watch. The judges would be required to sit at least six feet away and never give the competitors more than a ten.

Senator Jim Inhofe demanded Al Gore be called before Congress for perpetrating a global warming hoax on the country. He'll never apologize. Al Gore can always argue the U.S. Supreme Court robbed him of the presidency and the country had it coming.

President Obama dropped the tax on botox shots from Monday's health care proposal but he kept the tax on tanning booths. They both run up health care costs. Tanning booth rays cause skin cancer and botox could cause young men to die from cougar bites.

San Franciscans debated a bill to rename Mount Diablo after Ronald Reagan. The bill was rejected Tuesday. The devil's victory over Ronald Reagan in San Francisco reversed the recent string of liberal losses and gives the Democrats hope for November.

President Obama campaigned for Democrats in Nevada Friday. He told a town hall that it's up to Democrats in America to keep hope alive. This kind of mush doesn't appeal to Republicans, they have enough trouble just keeping Dick Cheney alive.

Dick Cheney rested comfortably Monday after he survived a heart scare. Al-Qaeda hates this guy. He came up with the legal argument that as long as terrorists are being held on Fidel Castro's island, everything's legal under the When in Rome defense.

The White House revealed Monday that nine of the president's Justice Department appointees once represented detainees in Guantanamo. It just never ends. The Obama administration won't stop until Khalid Sheik Muhammed is tried in front of an L.A. jury.

The Los Angeles Police bomb squad found an unexploded Civil War cannon ball in the Hollywood Hills. You can't make it up. Not five years after the first wave of German immigrants came to America, somebody developed an intercontinental cannon ball.

The Netherlands pulled their soldiers out of Afghanistan Monday, ignoring pleas from the U.S. to stay. It's a curious decision. You would think the Dutch would stay in Afghanistan and destroy the poppy crops, if just to protect Heineken's market share.

Vancouver residents got rave reviews for their Olympic hospitality. They love to give directions. They say if you see the mountains you're facing north, if you see the ocean you're facing west, if your car just got stolen you're in Surrey to the east, and if you see people without health care waving handguns, you're in the States.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-25-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 09:10:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama's job approval rating sank to forty-five percent on Monday. He has had bad luck lately. Tiger Woods' apology looked so much like a presidential news conference that people with bad eyesight just assumed that Obama is in sex rehab.

Tiger Woods announced Friday that he's committed himself to Buddhism to aid in his recovery. His commitment to Calvinist self-denial wasn't working out so well. Calvinism teaches if you can't be a good example you can always be a horrible warning.

Tiger Woods was retained by Nike Saturday to endorse Nike golf balls. He's had no offers to endorse SUVs. The difference between Tiger Woods' golf ball and his SUV is that he can drive his golf ball three hundred yards without hitting a tree.

The White House refused to rule out ramming a health care bill though Congress through a fifty-one-vote technique called reconciliation. This is new ground. Until now reconciliation was what politicians worked on after they got caught with a hooker.

President Obama proposed his own version of a health care reform bill Monday and demanded that Congress pass it. Animal rights activists are furious. It wasn't bad enough that Barack Obama fed veal to his dog on the dog's birthday, now he's beating a dead horse.

Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the presidential straw poll at the conservative conference in Washington D.C. on Saturday. He's a gynecologist. Of all the candidates he's the one who's most like Ronald Reagan, only those aren't his feet in the stirrups.

Mitt Romney finished second in the conservative conference straw poll Saturday despite a strong convention speech. He can't seem to shake antiquated suspicions about his Mormon faith. In Utah the only punishment for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.

The Dallas Tea Party invited Keith Olbermann to a tea party rally to show he's wrong about their lack of diversity in Dallas. He knows what he saw. Keith couldn't help but notice the one hundred thousand rich white people in the stadium screaming for lower taxes and less government, but who else can afford tickets to Cowboys games?

The FBI began investigating a Pennsylvania school district for handing out two thousand laptops to students with spy cams on them to watch the kids at home. Whose idea was this? Filming teenaged girls could get the school district an Academy Award and exiled to France.

California chain restaurants were forced by a new state law on Monday to begin printing the number of calories next to each item on the menu. It's already hurting business. The next day customers stormed out of the Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills rather than pay twelve hundred and thirty dollars for pie a la mode.

Bill Clinton discussed his impeachment with Fox News on Monday as a new book came out about his duel with Ken Starr over the Monica Lewinsky affair. In hindsight it all worked out for him. If Bill Clinton hadn't prolonged the sex scandal he would have had time to tackle health care reform and it would've ended his presidency.

Al-Qaeda's Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty Monday to plotting to bomb a N.Y. subway with chemicals he purchased in a beauty store. It was a failed terrorist attempt. Peroxide isn't enough if you want to destroy mankind, you need silicone implants, too.

Gettysburg National Battlefield hosted a picnic of gun rights advocates Monday celebrating a new law allowing Americans to carry guns in national parks. There are thirteen secession movements in the United States and now there are guns at Gettysburg. President Obama just announced he'll skip the Ford's Theater gala this year.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-24-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 09:09:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Newt Gingrich was cheered like Rocky Balboa when he walked onstage to speak to conservatives convening in Washington Saturday. What a roar. As he walked to the stage the orchestra played Eye of the Tiger and fifteen mistresses came out of the woodwork.

Tiger Woods received a barrage of bad reviews after his televised apology to the nation for his serial womanizing. The public has seen a lot better. Richard Nixon looked more relaxed when he resigned office and he looked a lot more remorseful.

Hollywood porno star Joslyn James demanded an apology from Tiger Woods Friday and she may demand damages. These women think he's Santa Claus, and he's not. The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus is that Santa stops after the third ho.

The National Enquirer submitted its reporting on John Edwards to the Pulitzer Prize committee Monday. The submission was accepted. The Pulitzer is the second-highest prize in all journalism just after the Hunter Thompson Award for Outstanding Bar Tabs.

President Obama proposed a health care bill Monday. It adds taxes, which angers conservatives, and it has no public option, which enrages liberals. One thing we've learned is that you can't survive having problems with your accelerator and brakes simultaneously.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda changed his mind Friday and agreed to testify in Congress about Toyota's safety before the House Oversight Committee. He spent all last week preparing to testify. He can now hold his breath underwater for two minutes.

Ron Paul won a presidential poll at the conservative conference in Washington last week thanks to the youth vote. He's got college kids believing in liberty, low taxes, and small government. Liberal professors are alarmed and calling for a crackdown on binge thinking on campus.

Harry Reid argued for his jobs bill on the Senate floor Monday, saying men tend to become abusive toward women when they're out of work. That's totally ridiculous. O.J. drew a steady paycheck from his first semester at USC until the day he was arrested.

USC testified to the NCAA Friday about a house provided for Reggie Bush's family and cash he got in college. No one will ever find any written evidence of the house lease or cash payments. They are hidden under an encyclopedia at the Kardashian house.

Hooters was reported shopping on Wall Street for someone to buy the four hundred restaurants. Feminists find the waitress outfits at Hooters to be demeaning. Whenever a woman applies to be a waitress, they hand her a C-cup bra and tell her to fill this out.

Bill Clinton went on Fox News Monday to warn that dysentery could break out in Haiti due to a lack of bathrooms and plumbing. He's been asked to help upgrade their sanitation. Who better to set up outhouses than the former governor of Arkansas.

Al-Qaeda's Najibullah Zazi told a N.Y. court Monday he was recruited in Pakistan by al-Qaeda ten years ago to bomb New York subways. It required explosives then. This was years before you could crash any train by flirting with the engineer via text message.

ACORN dissolved itself as a national organization Monday, instructing state and local chapters to set up independently under new names. They couldn't get away with that in Hollywood. Screen Actors Guild rules would never allow someone like Heidi Fleiss to simply change her name to Shirley Jones hoping that the feds lose interest.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-23-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 09:24:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Texas U.S. Congressman Charlie Wilson was fondly eulogized as a ladies man after he died last week. He always said if he's ever caught with his pants down he won't blame booze and he won't suddenly find Jesus. They don't make golfers like that anymore.

Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Friday, vowing he will embrace Buddhism to aid in his recovery. The staged event was so narcissistic and self-centered it may have backfired. Buddha severed his endorsement deal with Tiger Woods the next day.

The PGA headquarters in Florida hosted Tiger Woods' televised apology to his trusted friends on Friday. He issued his declaration and refused to take questions. The question is, if Tiger Woods' mother is from Thailand, how did he become North Korean?

Spike TV announced Friday it will air a sitcom about a golf pro whose sidekick is an Hispanic caddie named Tiger who's a sex addict. There isn't really going to be a TV show. It's just that producers will look for any excuse to audition porn stars.

Hollywood porn star Joslyn James demanded a personal apology from Tiger Woods Friday in a nationally televised press conference from Los Angeles. Her attorney said this isn't about money. She's just publicizing her new movie, Debbie Does Augusta.

Dick Cheney brought down the house with his speech Tuesday to the conservative conference in Washington D.C. It let him release a lot of frustration. He's watched every Olympic event this past week and he has yet to see them snowboard one terrorist.

NBC's Winter Olympics upset American Idol in the ratings Tuesday, drawing thirty million viewers. Curling is a surprise hit. People always like to see something they never saw before and nobody under forty has ever seen a white person use a broom.

Vancouver organizers distributed one hundred thousand condoms for athletes and coaches in the Olympic Village this week. It's just wrong. The Westminster Kennel Club could tell them that they're missing a great opportunity to breed their champions.

Michelle Obama promoted her healthy foods initiative on Saturday in a Fox News interview with Mike Huckabee. She said she and the president like to play the board game Sorry with their daughters. They can't play Monopoly because it upsets the unions.

President Obama joked in Las Vegas Friday that he cut the deficit in half last night at poker by drawing a flush on the river. It fell flat. The environmentalists heard that he was flushing on the river and now he is in trouble with the Sierra Club.

The UN's nuclear watchdog agency warned Thursday that Iran is likely working on a nuclear missile. They're safe from attack. Iran's mullahs conduct a nationwide census every five years to find out exactly how many human shields live in the country.

The Pentagon is investigating if Arabic translators in the Army tried to poison the food supply at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. They thought they could poison Southern cooking. The terrorists gave up when they discovered there was no poison known to man that can survive that much animal fat or those fryer temperatures.

South Carolina state representative Mike Pitts moved to take the state off the dollar and place state currency on the gold standard. He points out the state's sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment permits the move. At the rate things are going President Obama's next bipartisan panel will be half-Union and half-Confederacy.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-21-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 09:23:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House issued food and diet guidelines for America's schools Thursday aimed at producing healthier kids. Nutrition programs can be fun. It's an article of faith among college students that breakfast is the most important drink of the day.

Tiger Woods held a press briefing Friday to discuss his sexual recovery program. The game itself will help him get well. Golf is the only sport that allows you to spend all afternoon with three hookers without losing your wife and your house.

Ken Starr left Pepperdine to be the president of Baylor Monday. He nailed Bill Clinton for adultery and he stopped gay marriage in California. He chose Baylor because Saudi law doesn't permit foreigners to be Minister for the Prevention of Vice.

Jack Kennedy's love letters to Swedish mistress Gunilla von Post were auctioned Monday. They met during his honeymoon with Jackie. Fifty percent of Americans rank Jack Kennedy as America's greatest president but ninety percent rate him Best in Show.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman refused to greet President Obama Friday. They're natural competitors. The federal government and Las Vegas both take your money, the difference is Las Vegas will bring you a complimentary cocktail while they're taking it.

Dick Cheney called Barack Obama a one-term president Thursday in his speech to conservatives. He's right on time. If Dick Cheney doesn't overthrow a government every ten years, the Wicked Witch of the West kicks him off the flying monkey team.

Mitt Romney give a stem-winding speech ripping President Obama Thursday to the conservative conference in Washington. He has presidential front-runner written all over him. He looks like a game show host, he sounds like a televangelist and Big Love has been on HBO long enough for people to get comfortable with his religious beliefs.

Elton John gave a controversial interview to Parade magazine Sunday concerning Christian history. He said he thinks Jesus was a gay man. If Leonardo da Vinci had painted just one stripper at the Last Supper these kind of rumors wouldn't get started.

Texan Joseph Stack flew a plane into the IRS building in Austin Thursday. It's a threat to our national security. Every fifteen years a white guy snaps in the Southwest and gives young Muslim men at the airport a couple of weeks of low scrutiny.

Al-Qaeda was reportedly recruiting English-speaking terrorists Monday to carry out attacks in the U.S. The competition is gaining on them. After al-Qaeda ran up a big early lead in Americans killed, Toyota has responded with thirty-four unanswered points.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service launched a search-and-destroy mission Tuesday to eliminate the invasive Asian carp in Lake Michigan. Environmentalists are monitoring closely. It's against the law in Michigan to disturb a union burial ground.

UC San Diego students threw a party that parodied Black History Month called the Compton Cookout, which served fried chicken and watermelon and asked women to wear cheap clothes and start fights. Was anyone really insulted? There are so few blacks in San Diego they had to name it after an L.A. town in order to offend anybody.

President Obama appointed a bipartisan commission headed by Erskine Bowles and Alan Simpson to recommend ways to reduce the national debt. They'll either recommend higher taxes or spending cuts, but Republicans won't raise taxes and Democrats won't cut spending. The only thing that can save us now is a bookkeeping error.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-19-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 09:36:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported that the third snowstorm in two weeks buried the South and Eastern Seaboard Monday. For hundreds of miles, snow banks along roads are piled five feet high. The good news is that Priuses won't even need brakes until the spring.

France issued a warrant for the arrest of U.S. cyclist and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis for lying to French doping officials. He's Amish. They thought he might be doing steroids when he stopped three times during the race to raise a barn and still won.

President Obama told reporters Tuesday he's doing the best he can to deal with the deficit left by President Bush. It's worth a try. Last night a comedian who impersonates Obama had a bad set at the Comedy Store and he blamed it on Will Ferrell.

Hollywood raunchy film director Kevin Smith was pulled off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff Sunday for being too fat. He gets no respect on a plane. Last year three United passengers walked out on one of his movies halfway over Kansas.

Al-Qaeda in Yemen was reported to be recruiting English-speaking terrorists to carry out attacks in the U.S. on Monday. They'll pay big bucks to anyone who's bland and doesn't attract attention. Could this be the job Evan Bayh left the Senate to take?

Senator Evan Bayh announced Monday he's leaving the Senate this fall. Democrats fear he'll mount a presidential primary challenge. Evan Bayh won't say if his next stop is Iowa but he did mention that his favorite character on I Love Lucy is Ethanol.

Senator Bayh's pullout from the fall race ignited a speculative frenzy Tuesday over who will run in Indiana to replace him in the U.S. Senate. Everybody noteworthy in the state of Indiana was asked if they will run. Peyton Manning said he will pass.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York's Madison Square Garden this week. The standards were higher than ever in this year's competition. Two Lhasa Apsos were eliminated when they were found to have a credit score under seven hundred.

President Obama appointed White House lawyer Rashad Hussain to be the U.S. envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference Monday. It had to be a Muslim. Anglo-Saxons won't attend any conference that doesn't include a golf tournament with prizes.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Thursday Iran has enriched enough uranium to manufacture a nuclear weapon. This anger gets him nowhere. Last week he dared the U.S. military to bomb him in his home and now his kids can't get any playdates.

Hillary Clinton was King Abdullah's guest for lunch in Saudi Arabia Monday. As a gesture of informality the king turned on sports news on a big screen TV during their meeting. It's how heads of state endure Hillary when they don't have an intern program.

Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis Ken Starr left the Pepperdine Law School in Malibu Monday to become the president of Baylor. It's for political reasons. In Malibu people think Kenneth Starr is Satan but in Texas he's the Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

U.S. Marines and British armor pushed into the southern Afghan town of Marjah on Monday. It's the financial and marketing center of the poppy and opium trade. On orders from the White House all thriving sectors of the global economy must be crushed.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-18-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 09:35:00 +0000

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Winter Olympics opening ceremony had a major technical problem Friday. The hydraulics malfunctioned and part of the Olympic cauldron failed to lift, ruining a solemn moment. The next day Toyota announced a recall of seventy thousand Cauldrons.

Saudi Arabia banned Valentine's Day Sunday, calling it a pagan holiday. Flowers, candy, and anything red were seized by Saudi government agents. Whenever oil dips below eighty dollars a barrel and candy stays high, these guys suddenly get religion.

The Weather Channel reported snowstorms across the South Friday, leaving record snowfall in Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina and Georgia. The Deep South was covered in white. The Justice Department is investigating.

Mattel allowed people to vote for a career for the Barbie doll Tuesday and the overwhelming choice was news anchor. The blonde doll was introduced fifty years ago. That makes her twenty years too old for Fox News and ten years too young for CNN.

Alec Baldwin accused ex-wife Kim Basinger of egging on their daughter to phone paramedics on him to embarrass him before he hosts the Oscars. Kim Basinger will be at the Oscars, likely in the balcony. The restraining order says six hundred yards.

NATO launched an offensive against the Taliban in Afghanistan Friday. It's all very organized. The U.S. is in charge of ground and air, Britain's in charge of the tank forces, Germany's in charge of artillery and France is in charge of refreshments.

The White House invited Republicans to the president's health care summit next week. Health care reform is losing support among Democratic lawmakers. After weeks of consideration, the only thing they can agree on insuring is their own re-election.

President Obama told the country Saturday that he signed the Pay As You Go law to help reduce the deficit. He said responsible spending one of our country's bedrock values. That's another way of saying GM's new hybrid car is powered by your feet.

ABC News released a poll Saturday saying three-quarters of the American people now support the idea of openly gay people serving in the military. It's not that big an issue. When you think about it, how many Episcopal bishops are young enough to serve?

The Air Force destroyed a missile with an energy laser beam for the first time Friday. It's a tribute to our diversity. While everyone else's Germans are winning medals at Vancouver in the interest of world peace, our Germans are reverting to type.

American Airlines began charging passengers eight dollars for blankets. They're not trying to make a profit. They're just trying to recoup the cost of cleaning the blanket every time an underwear bomber tries to set off an explosion underneath one.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held this week at New York's Madison Square Garden. There was a lot less sympathy in the crowd this year for pouffed-up, pampered dogs that live on steak. Many of these dogs moved into doghouses they knew they couldn't afford and brought down the whole market when they couldn't pay the mortgage.

The Congressional Black Caucus was reported to be influence-peddling through its non-profit foundation, which is supposed to help black kids. Last year the Caucus spent more money on the caterer for one event than they did on scholarships all year. They've given up telling us Cleopatra was black and now they're saying it was Marie Antoinette.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-17-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 08:01:00 +0000

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported snow on the ground in forty-nine states Friday for the first time ever. It's a winter nobody will forget. Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his book on global warming and now it's up for the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction.

Fox NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson signed Tuesday to be the TV commercial spokesman for a male enhancement pill. He's seventy. Ponce de Leon could have avoided the long trip to Florida if he'd known the secret to eternal youth is arrested development.

Bill Clinton returned home Friday after he underwent a stent procedure to open his arteries hours after he felt chest discomfort. His doctor said it wasn't a result of his lifestyle. Jealous husbands don't have the means to clog your arteries.

Donald Trump revealed Friday he may bid for the construction contract to build and own the new World Trade Center. This is bad news for al-Qaeda. Any airliner would have to hit the building pretty low or it would never make it through the hair.

Maryland grocery stores reported food shortages Friday because delivery trucks were snowbound. The campaign against childhood obesity is off to a roaring start. The kids in Maryland are just trying to hang on until the Care packages arrive from Haiti.

A judge in Haiti recommended releasing ten Idaho Baptists jailed for transporting Haitian kids. They need to wrap this up. If this becomes a confrontation between Baptists and the practitioners of Voodoo, nobody's going to watch the Winter Olympics.

ATF agents launched a manhunt Friday for three people suspected of burning ten churches. The federal agents know just one thing. The churches that were burned are all mainline Protestant churches, so the president was never in any danger.

President Obama blamed the Bush administration for the deficit Thursday. He also blamed them for unemployment and recession. Last night in Washington D.C. President Obama stood up at a recovery meeting and admitted that George W. Bush is an alcoholic.

The Pentagon conducted a test last week and shot a missile out of the sky with a laser beam for the first time in history. So much for the Russians and China. Now if we can just develop the nerve to profile Muslims at the airport we're finally safe.

The Washington Post reported Friday that Khalid Sheik Muhammed may be tried by a military court after all instead of getting a criminal trial in New York. New Yorkers angrily oppose a trial in Manhattan. If the president wants to be reelected he can't afford to lose New York, not after he lost California by insulting our Toyotas.

The GOP establishment will unveil the Mount Vernon Statement at a conservative conference in Washington today. This is a statement of principle written by the old-line party graybeards. They called it the Mt. Vernon statement so the Tea Party activists will support it thinking it's named after Elvis Presley's father.

Dan Quayle announced on Fox News Friday that his son will run for U.S. Congress from Arizona. This is proof beyond doubt that God watches out for comedians. On the same day that Teddy Kennedy's son gets out of politics, Dan Quayle's son gets in.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island announced he's leaving Congress at age forty-two after sixteen years on Capitol Hill. He's the last Kennedy in public office. His grandpa Joe Kennedy was so rich he financed his son Jack's campaign for president because the race track wouldn't take a bet large enough to interest him.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-16-10

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Shelley) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:49:00 +0000

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboys Stadium will host next year's Super Bowl on Ronald Reagan's one hundredth birthday. Texans will be going wild. The frenzy of worship could be so intense it may trigger the rapture and the stadium could be empty for the second half.

New Orleans cops warned women not to flash their breasts on the streets of the French Quarter in Mardi Gras parades tonight. It's a health issue. Bill Clinton's recuperating and everybody's pitching in to keep him away from Girls Gone Wild videos.

Bill Clinton went to the hospital in New York Thursday where he had two stents put in his arteries. He's reportedly in excellent spirits, although it was touch-and-go there for a minute. Two hours after the procedure he took a turn for the nurse.

The Winter Olympics began Friday with a spectacular opening ceremony in Vancouver. It's been so unseasonably warm, the city's cherry blossoms are in bloom. It's just NBC's luck to be showing the Winter Games in the one place on earth where Al Gore's got an argument.

The U.S. Olympic delegation in Vancouver Wednesday saluted the U.S. Olympic hockey team that beat the Soviet Union thirty years ago in the much-fabled Miracle on Ice. It only causes a stir in Americans. To Canadians, a Miracle on Ice is a chilled Molson.

Haiti made plans to free the ten Idaho Baptists who were jailed for transporting a dozen kids out of Haiti on a bus. They were taking them to Idaho. People in the Mountain West really have to reach to obey court orders to desegregate their schools.

President Obama startled the markets Wednesday in his interview with Bloomberg News. He said he's agnostic about how government revenues should be increased. Wouldn't you know, he finally joined a church and it's the Church of the Higher Taxes.

Joe Biden went on Larry King's show Wednesday where he took credit for creating a new nation in Iraq. His memory's starting to go. Just four years ago Joe Biden proposed partitioning Iraq into three new countries--Regular, Unleaded, and Unleaded with Techron.

Joe Biden went on CNN Wednesday and blamed the deepening recession on George W. Bush. That's the pattern. The White House wants to rename the San Andreas Fault after George W. Bush so that the next time there's an earthquake it'll be Bush's Fault.

The TSA announced plans Thursday to install one thousand full-body scanners at airports. Muslim groups say the body-revealing technology violates their religious sensitivities. It's not their fault that plastic explosives grow out of their penises.

The White House Council of Economic Advisers met Thursday and predicted that a hundred thousand new jobs a month will be created in the next twelve months. The numbers won't hold up. By July the driveway shoveling jobs will probably be gone.

Senate Republicans demanded that National Security Adviser John Brennan resign his post Wednesday for accusing GOP lawmakers of aiding al-Qaeda. It's not just the Republicans. Every time the Democrats give out another two-thousand-dollar child tax credit, that's another eighty thousand dollars in Osama bin Laden's pocket.

Former Congressman Charlie Wilson of Texas died at seventy-six Wednesday, thirty years after he secretly funded Afghan fighters to defeat the Soviets. He loved to drink, snort coke in hot tubs with his staff, date beauty queens, and kill communists. He was proof that at one time the Republican party knew how to reach across the aisle.

Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio