Sarah Palin Jokes
12-30-08 Sarah Palin's nine-month pregnant daughter's future mother-in-law was arrested in Alaska for selling OxyContin out of her house. Her boy will marry the daughter in mid-January. The wedding will take place at his family home, wherever it's parked.
12-29-08 The Sarah Palin 2009 wall calendar was reported to be the top-selling office supply item on Amazon this year. She wields a shotgun in the photos. Tina Fey just got approved for a loan to buy a Mideast country because she's going to have steady work for the rest of her life.
12-26-08 Sarah Palin told Human Events magazine on Monday that her biggest regret as a candidate was not giving enough interviews. Every time she did an interview, Saturday Night Live got two weeks of material out of it. At the rate Sarah Palin is going she could replace Wall Street regulation as America's funniest running joke.
12-25-08 Tina Fey was named Entertainer of the Year on Monday over Robert Downey Jr. and Heath Ledger. A Sarah Palin impersonator beat a superhero with a drug problem and a dead Joker. Apparently the Great Depression has already begun in the entertainment industry.
12-23-08 Sarah Palin's future in-law Sherry Johnston was arrested on Friday, reportedly for selling crystal meth. Her son's promised to marry Sarah's nine-month pregnant daughter. It is good to know that in a state where all the ice is melting you can always make more.
12-17-08 John McCain said Sunday he won't necessarily support Sarah Palin for president if she runs in four years. He's sadder but wiser. If you're going to nominate a woman to be your vice presidential candidate, be sure she's not younger than your wife.
12-8-08 John McCain's campaign was revealed Friday to have spent one hundred grand for Sarah Palin's hair and make-up to make her look good on TV. And she's a former beauty pageant winner. Imagine how much they would have had to spend on Joe Lieberman.
12-5-08 Sarah Palin was credited by Senator Saxby Chambliss Wednesday for helping him win in Georgia by her appeal to working-class Republicans. She drew huge crowds. Just a year ago there were no working class Republicans and today there's nothing else.
12-3-08 Sarah Palin was cheered by a huge crowd in Georgia while campaigning for GOP Senator Saxby Chambliss Monday. She said they were there to unite working-class Republicans. So the organizers had to fill up the auditorium by handing out tickets to hillbillies.
11-30-08 Sarah Palin was being interviewed at a turkey farm in Alaska last week when the cameras showed turkeys being slaughtered right behind her. What was she thinking? She has the job on Saturday Night Live if she wants it, she can stop making demo reels.
11-28-08 John McCain said Tuesday that Sarah Palin has a bright future in the GOP. He's refusing to admit that naming her his running mate was a mistake. Republicans only admit their mistakes when they divorce their first wife or sell their Citigroup stock.
11-27-08 Sarah Palin saved a turkey at a slaughterhouse Friday. As she talked on camera about animal rights, a man behind her grabbed a turkey and cut its head off. What impresses Hollywood about Alaskans is how they always get the laugh on the first take.
11-24-08 Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens conceded defeat in his recount Friday. Had he won he would have been expelled, letting Sarah Palin name herself to succeed him in the Senate. There goes the last chance for Neiman-Marcus to salvage a decent fourth quarter. Sarah Palin was served with an ethics complaint in Alaska Wednesday for doing TV interviews in the governor's office to promote her future presidential plans. It gets worse. Sarah Palin filed the complaint herself just to keep her name in the news.
11-21-08 Sarah Palin was interviewed by all the networks at the GOP governors conference in Florida. Nothing will stop her from running in four years. You knew she'd be back when everything in Yorba Linda burned last week except the Richard Nixon Library.
11-19-08 Sarah Palin gave a speech to the GOP Governors Conference which got terrible reviews. She's like a turtle sitting on a fence post. You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do up there, you simply wonder what kind of idiot would put her up there in the first place.
11-18-08 Sarah Palin was ridiculed by Democrats Friday the moment she re-surfaced at the Republican Governors Conference. They're relentless. Liberals are determined to destroy Sarah Palin as soon as possible because they know that Nixon takes many forms.
11-17-08 Sarah Palin was the star at the GOP governors' conference Thursday. She refused to take the blame for the loss of John McCain. He wandered off sometime after midnight and she's not assigned to the guard tower between three and six in the morning.
11-16-08 Sarah Palin was asked at the GOP conference in Miami Wednesday if she will run for the White House. She replied if it's God's will she'll plow through that door. She is four years away from the job and already her Secret Service code name is Janet Reno.
11-14-08 Sarah Palin was flooded by offers from Beverly Hills talent agents Monday. She is the only stock that's going up. We knew Barack Obama was smart, if only we had known that when he said millions of Americans cling to God and guns, it was a stock tip.
11-13-08 Sarah Palin discussed her future political plans during her Fox News interview with Greta Van Susteren this week. She's not going away. Sarah Palin is God's way of reminding Barack Obama if he turns out not to be funny, America has other options. Florida porn producer Cezar Capone offered Sarah Palin two million bucks to do a porn movie. We can guess the plot. Every time she takes off an article of clothing a team of Republican attorneys will scoop it up and try to return it to Neiman Marcus.
11-12-08 Sarah Palin headlined a GOP fundraising banquet in Boca Raton Monday. She drew a full house. She raised a million dollars for the Republican Party but once she deducts her wardrobe costs, they'll be lucky if they can cover the cost of the dinner.
11-11-08 Sarah Palin brushed off gossip by anonymous McCain aides Thursday. They called her a hillbilly who spends money like crazy and thinks Africa is a nation, not a continent. It's the best impression of a Powerball Lottery winner anybody ever saw.
11-10-08 Sarah Palin was accused Friday of spending a fortune on campaign clothing with the GOP credit card. They said she went wild at Neiman's and Saks from coast to coast. She did more to keep the country out of a depression than the bailout bill did. Sarah Palin flew home to Alaska after being defeated for national office. She's not the only one who's sad. For the next thirty days, the American flag at the Comedy Store will fly at half-staff in grief over a national punchline cut down in its prime.
11-9-08 Newsweek reported on Thursday that Sarah Palin spent tons of campaign money on clothes for herself and her family. A staffer described it as hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast. Only the wedding gift departments went untouched. Sarah Palin was swarmed by reporters at the Arizona Biltmore Wednesday asking if she will run for president in four years. She's going back to where she can see Siberia from her house. It's the penalty for being funnier than the top of the ticket.
11-7-08 Newsweek reported Sarah Palin once emerged from a hotel shower wearing a towel to meet with two male campaign staffers. No big deal. She'd paid three thousand dollars for that towel at Neiman Marcus and she wanted to get a little wear out of it.
11-5-08 Sarah Palin told Ohio Monday that Tina Fey should keep the Saturday Night Live costumes because she'll be playing her for a long time. They should give lessons to each other. Sarah Palin is a natural comedian while Tina Fey politicked her way to the top.
11-4-08 Sarah Palin appeared at three campaign events in Florida Saturday to capitalize on her appeal to evangelical voters in the state. She helps conservative candidates all over the South. While there she picked up the endorsement of Unplanned Parenthood.
11-3-08 Sarah Palin spoke to a crowd in the town of Latrobe, Pennsylvania Friday. It's the birthplace of Arnold Palmer. Whenever Republicans are behind in the polls they do a pilgrimage to Arnold's birthplace and walk the golf course in hopes of a miracle. Sarah Palin hinted Friday that she is positioning herself to run for president in four years. She literally came out of nowhere. John McCain only selected Sarah Palin because he never wanted to be in the position of receiving CPR from Mitt Romney.
11-2-08 Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from a West Hollywood roof by a homeowner, but he cut it down Thursday. The protests were too much for him. He got a call from the Hemp Industries Association saying they don't want rope associated with Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin hinted in an interview Wednesday she is positioning herself to run for president in four years. She's nothing if not diligent. Before going to bed last night she set the John McCain campaign back one hour by giving another interview.
10-31-08 Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy in a Halloween display in West Hollywood. The law varies. If a gay gets hanged it's a hate crime, if a black gets hanged it's a federal crime, if an Arab gets hanged, it means he was cleared of having weapons of mass destruction. Sarah Palin was cheered Tuesday by evangelical voters in Ohio who love her pro-life stand. It's against her interest when you think about it. Why is Sarah Palin pro-life when the longer John McCain lives, the longer she has to wait to be president?
10-30-08 Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy from the roof of a house in West Hollywood in a Halloween display. The investigation is off to a slow start. Secret Service agents were pulled over six times by the cops for talking into their cufflinks while driving.
10-29-08 Sarah Palin wore blue jeans Monday after Democrats made her GOP-purchased wardrobe a big issue. They will be sorry. Now that she's wearing jeans, she's sure to appeal to a very crucial voter demographic, male voters between eighteen and death.
10-28-08 Sarah Palin faced questions Friday about the one-hundred-fifty- thousand-dollar wardrobe Republicans bought her. She has no idea of costs. Anything they bring to her to wear, she just assumes it's the skin of whatever they had for dinner last night.
10-27-08 Sarah Palin was revealed Wednesday to have received a new wardrobe courtesy of the GOP. They spent nearly two hundred grand. It's all going to be worth it because if she's elected vice president, Professor Higgins wins his bet with Colonel Pickering. The National Review surveyed media stories about Sarah Palin Thursday and said she's the most-criticized candidate since Dan Quayle. The office of the vice president has changed. It used to be the least powerful position in Washington, and today he's the head of the global organization that's trying to capture James Bond.
10-24-08 Sarah Palin drew huge crowds in Nevada Tuesday where she blasted Democrats for taxing and spending. Her poll numbers have been climbing lately. Sarah Palin is favored by white working-class women, conservative males and comedians with mortgages.
10-23-08 Ricky's Costume Shop in New York said Monday its top-selling Halloween costume is a Sarah Palin beauty pageant sash reading Miss Alaska on one side and Miss Vice President on the other. It comes with glasses. Wig and drilling rights sold separately.
10-22-08 Sarah Palin drew record ratings for Saturday Night Live in which she danced to a rap song mocking Alaskan hillbillies. There were equal-time concerns. NBC lawyers told them they could only make fun of hillbillies if they also make fun of rap stars.
10-20-08 Dan Quayle said Thursday he's spoken with Sarah Palin on the phone and advised her to just be herself. She was so grateful for his advice. Very few politicians are prepared to take on the enormous responsibilities of being the national punchline. Sarah Palin told New Hampshire Wednesday she will drill in Alaska and lead the nation to energy independence. Her plan could make oil prices plummet even faster. People who've been running their SUVs on brandy may find gasoline cost-effective again.
10-19-08 Sarah Palin told voters in North Carolina Thursday that God has richly blessed America with oil and gas and wind and water and thermal heat and vegetation. She said we should use it all. Who knew that God created America from a Mexican cookbook?
10-17-08 Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Palin drew so many millions of hits on NBC's website last week that Saturday Night Live may start its own website of its most famous sketches. What a phenomenon. Sarah Palin is so good for political comedy that only a DNA test will convince anyone that Dan Quayle and Monica Lewinsky are not her parents. Sarah Palin discussed energy independence on Rush Limbaugh's show Tuesday. She stated she believes in oil drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge, safe nuclear power, and clean-burning coal. She read about it in her copy of Unscientific American.
10-15-08 Sarah Palin was introduced by Hank Williams Jr. in Virginia Beach on Monday. She got bigger cheers than he did. She's the emblem of family values, at least until Paris Hilton clues her in on how much money publicists will pay her to attend club openings. Alaska's legislature released an investigative committee report Friday stating Governor Sarah Palin abused the powers of her office, but no one cares. Everybody loves the backstory of a family of hillbillies drilling for oil. As long as Mr. Drysdale doesn't turn over their banking records, they should get away with everything.
10-14-08 Sarah Palin will host NBC's Saturday Night Live in two weeks with Tina Fey. Don't miss the opening segment. Sarah and Tina take turns saying idiotic things and the crowd has to guess which ones are jokes and which ones are Republican policy proposals. Sarah Palin was cited for ethical lapses by Alaska lawmakers Friday. Let's hear her side. You always hear about the ninety thousand dollars in Congressman William Jefferson's freezer, but you never hear about the three fingers he lost to frostbite.
10-13-08 Sarah Palin was wildly cheered during her speech in Wisconsin Thursday as John McCain stood onstage next to her. He looks a little embarrassed whenever she says Golly Gee and Gol Dang. Those were two strippers he knew in Vietnam.
10-10-08 Sarah Palin's family tree showed Tuesday she's Franklin Roosevelt's and Princess Diana's ninth cousin. It's a grim sign for John McCain. Sarah Palin is genetically pre-disposed to steal the spotlight and to be the president during a great depression. Joe Biden said Sarah Palin's tactic of bringing up Barack Obama's past links to Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Chicago crook Tony Rezko and Sixties radical bomber Bill Ayers is mildly dangerous. He was afraid to criticize her too harshly. Joe Biden is such an ineffective attack dog that Michael Vick would have donated him to a children's shelter.
10-9-08 Sarah Palin took aim at Barack Obama on the campaign trail Monday for his ties to Sixties radical bomber Bill Ayers. Ask any moose if she's good at this. The difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is, when she shoots you, you stay down.
10-8-08 Sarah Palin campaigned in Florida on Monday and at every stop she reminded the crowd that Barack Obama's friends are a bunch of Chicago terrorists. People like terrorists from Chicago. We already have Al Capone in charge of the Treasury Department. Sarah Palin linked Barack Obama to Sixties radical Bill Ayers on Monday. It's a sophisticated media strategy. By the time Tina Fey exaggerates her speech for comedic effect, Barack Obama will be positively identified as Patty Hearst's kidnapper.
10-7-08 Sarah Palin and Joe Biden drew seventy million viewers Thursday. Their face-off was the third most-watched debate ever. It was eclipsed in popularity only by the debate between Reagan and Carter and the most-watched debate in history, Lust versus Fear of Being Caught. Sarah Palin called out Barack Obama Saturday over his ties to Sixties anti-war radical William Ayers. The Chicago professor once headed the Weathermen, a group that bombed government buildings to protest the Vietnam War. There was a time in this country when opposing a war meant more than going on Larry King and plugging your documentary.
10-6-08 Sarah Palin got glowing reviews on her debate performance Thursday. She winked at the cameras, wiggled her nose and had the audience under her spell. It was sweet afterwards when she was joined onstage by her daughter Tabitha and her husband Darren. Sarah Palin said Friday high gas prices are giving billions to hostile regimes in the Middle East. Arabs aren't the only ones profiting from high gasoline prices. Clowns are making a fortune in Los Angeles teaching people how to fit twelve in a car.
10-5-08 Sarah Palin and Joe Biden squared off in the vice presidential debate Thursday, televised from Washington University in St. Louis. Americans tuned in just to see how many mistakes they would make. That's why the debate was sponsored by Liquid Paper.
10-3-08 NBC's Tina Fey doubled Saturday Night Live's ratings with her Sarah Palin guest impersonations. The governor of Alaska is the biggest gift to comedians since Bill Clinton. It proves that not only is there a God but he does stand-up on Monday nights. Sarah Palin and her husband Todd were reported Thursday to have over a million dollars in assets and an annual income into six figures. They need every penny of it. She's got a wedding to pay for and you know how expensive shotgun shells are.
10-2-08 Sarah Palin will meet Senator Joe Biden Thursday at Washington University in St. Louis in the vice presidential debate. Americans will be rushing home tonight and popping popcorn. Everybody loves watching the Tournament of Imbeciles on Jeopardy.
10-1-08 Sarah Palin was in New York last week for the U.N. opening. During the governor's down time she took her family to Central Park Zoo. People were a little offended when they refused to eat inside the cafeteria and insisted on killing their own lunch. Sarah Palin, who said Vladimir Putin flew over Alaska in a military jet, on Thursday will debate Joe Biden, who said Franklin D. Roosevelt went on TV before it was invented. They both meet the threshold test for a running mate. They guarantee a continuity of comedy in the event anything happens to the next president.
9-30-08 Governor Sarah Palin began preparing Saturday for Thursday's vice presidential debate against Senator Joe Biden at Washington University in St. Louis. She has no intention of coming in second. This time she's going to wear a two-piece swimsuit. Ohio corn farmer Duke Wheeler carved a sixteen-acre portrait of Gov. Sarah Palin on his corn farm Thursday and began charging visitors eight dollars admission. That's absolutely heartless. If corn farmers are going to milk the taxpayers for ethanol subsidies, they should at least grant us free admission to their theme parks.
9-29-08 Sarah Palin revealed Friday that her father's pest control company exterminated rats in New York six years ago. The city was plagued by a huge rat overpopulation. The law schools were graduating them faster than the investment firms could hire them. Sarah Palin's former church released an old video of her being prayed over for protection from sorcery. The pastor was a holy man from Kenya. Whenever she and Barack Obama bump into each other on the campaign trail, they act like they never met.
9-28-08 Sarah Palin was propositioned by the presidents of Afghanistan and Pakistan on television Tuesday. At last, a plan. We sue them for sexual harassment, we attach their wages, then we pay for the Wall Street bailout with the next two poppy harvests.
9-26-08 Sarah Palin met with foreign heads of state at her U.N. appearance Wednesday to show the world she's ready to be president. She was beaming from ear to ear with excitement and joy. Everyone looks like that on their very first trip to New York City.
9-24-08 Sarah Palin's personal e-mail and photos were hacked and posted online Tuesday by a twenty-year-old guy. He said hacking her account was easy. He read her bio on Wikipedia and immediately figured out that her password is Bullwinkle-Must-Die.
9-23-08 Sarah Palin's staff spent hours last week with reporters shooting down all the nutty Internet rumors about her. She never said dinosaurs were lizards of Satan. Republicans believe as an article of faith that all fossil fuels come from God. Sarah Palin shocked the GOP establishment in California Friday by canceling sold-out fundraisers in Orange County and Santa Clara. It only works in California. This is the only state in the union where people won't love you unless you reject them.
9-22-08 Sarah Palin's personal e-mail and photos were hacked Wednesday. The hackers were able to crack the code. If you send someone a picture of a dead moose and they send you a picture of a dead wolf it means mum's the word, the trooper has naked pictures of you.
9-21-08 Lindsay Lohan wrote an editorial on her website last week ripping the Sarah Palin candidacy. She's had a change of heart. Lindsay Lohan was all for Sarah Palin at first, but then someone explained to her that the white powder in the photo was Alaska. The National Enquirer reported Thursday that Sarah Palin's teenagers are known in Alaska for casual sex, drug use and underage drinking. The paper is just being sexist. Sarah Palin is living proof that a woman can do it all, and so can her kids. Saturday Night Live last weekend opened with Tina Fey doing a funny impression of Sarah Palin. Two days later the candidate drew the biggest crowd of her life. Exxon Mobil just offered Tina Fey a fortune to do an impression of light sweet crude.
9-19-08 Sarah Palin's foreign policy expertise came under fire this week. She only got her passport a year ago, she thinks Iraq is going great and she wants to drill everywhere. She's so much like George Bush that John McCain has begun distancing himself from her.
9-18-08 Sarah Palin was skewered by all the columnists in the New York Times on Sunday for her perceived similarities to George W. Bush and Richard Nixon. The liberals can see it coming. Unless the Democrats run a white male Southern governor, their candidate goes down like the goldfish they won at the state fair when they were seven. Sarah Palin spelled out her role in a McCain administration for the first time Monday. She'll stay busy. She would focus on energy, government reform and helping families with special-needs children, all while standing on the president's oxygen hose.
9-17-08 Sarah Palin cited the similarities between Nevada and Alaska Saturday in Carson City. They both began with lawless mining towns full of gamblers and dance hall girls. Then the churches arrived, but only Nevada had the foresight to burn them down.
9-16-08 Sarah Palin's interview on ABC News doubled the network's ratings Thursday and the extended interview on ABC Nightline beat Jay Leno and David Letterman. She'll be sorry. It's one thing to beat Brian Williams and Katie Couric, but when you start taking audiences away from comedians, you are going to miss the good old days of pig jokes. Sarah Palin told ABC News that Barack Obama may have blown the election by refusing to name Hillary as his running mate. Angry Democrats are asking themselves one question. If John McCain is computer illiterate, how did he end up running with Yahoo?
9-15-08 Sarah Palin survived an interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson Friday. She seemed stumped when asked about the Bush Doctrine. It states that just because the weapons of mass destruction were never found it doesn't mean that they couldn't have killed us.
9-14-08 Sarah Palin flew home to Alaska Wednesday before she flies back to rejoin John McCain this week. It's a lot of time in the air. Everyone's searching the web for any video of Barack Obama saying John McCain will be an agent of change when pigs fly. ABC News anchor Charlie Gibson asked Sarah Palin Thursday if she's qualified to be vice president. For goodness sake, the job only has two responsibilities. All you have to do is break ties in the Senate and run a covert military operation in three countries. Sarah Palin told ABC News on Friday she didn't blink when John McCain asked her to run with him three weeks ago. Talk about decisive. She accepted instantly, she didn't blink, she didn't hesitate, she didn't ask any of her kids if they were pregnant.
9-12-08 Sarah Palin led a nationwide poll Monday asking which candidate Americans feel best understands their problems. It's the hunting angle. During the last year of any Bush administration, we're all killing and skinning wildlife to eat and stay warm. Barack Obama cracked a joke about putting lipstick on a pig Tuesday, sparking charges by the McCain campaign that he'd slandered Sarah Palin. They accused Barack Obama of sexist attacks and not loving America. Hillary Clinton won the last five primaries with this strategy and now she's lost the role to a younger, prettier actress. Barack Obama told a lipstick-on-a-pig joke and the crowd cheered thinking he'd called Sarah Palin a pig. It showed that his crowd is hungry for attacks on her. It proved the oldest saying in show business: Christians without lions is no show at all.
9-11-08 Sarah Palin was accused on the cable networks Monday of speaking in tongues at her former Pentecostal church. It goes with the territory. Parts of Alaska are so remote and so far out in the wilderness that even the Episcopalians work with snakes. John McCain and Sarah Palin campaigned together in Missouri, Albuquerque and Ohio this past week where at every stop she told the crowd how heroic, brave and strong he is. He's married to a rodeo queen and he's running with Miss Wasilla. All the guys at the USC Film School just changed their majors to political science.
9-10-08 Sarah Palin agreed to be interviewed by Charlie Gibson on ABC News this week. The campaign hasn't allowed her to do any interviews or make any unscripted appearances until now. If Tom Brady had been protected like this, he would still be a quarterback. The New York Times on Monday put to rest rumors that Sarah Palin's baby is really her grandchild. Her family is under relentless investigation. The only way to keep Sarah Palin's baby out of the news is to leak that John Edwards is the father.
9-9-08 Eyewear designer Kazuo Kawasaki was besieged Saturday by retail orders for the eyeglasses worn by Sarah Palin. Already she's influencing American culture. If you think sales of eyeglasses are soaring you ought to see the numbers for home pregnancy kits. Sarah Palin was a huge hit with crowds on the campaign trail Saturday when she toured Wisconsin and Colorado. In one town she stopped by the local Moose Lodge. To the lodge members she's Joan of Arc but to the moose on the wall, she's O.J. Simpson. Sarah Palin was accused by Democrats Friday of abandoning her five kids to run for office. A large family is rare up there. It's so cold in Alaska that by the time couples get all their clothes off the sun's coming up and it's time to go to work.
9-8-08 Sarah Palin got huge approval ratings Friday as reporters dug mercilessly into her past. They learned she attended six colleges in six years. She graduated from the University of Idaho, but Don Imus pronounced it UCLA just to be on the safe side. Sarah Palin was cheered by Wisconsin voters as a fellow hunter Friday. Hunting is wildly popular. The typical home in Alaska has the head of a moose mounted on the wall, while in Los Angeles the typical home has the head of a rude freeway driver. Sarah Palin was denounced by Democrats in speeches and interviews Friday. They deny she's qualified to be president, deny her beliefs and deny she's governor of America's largest state. When the ice melts it won't be any bigger than Rhode Island.
9-7-08 Cindy McCain addressed the GOP convention Thursday wearing three-carat diamond earrings and a twenty-thousand-dollar outfit. Talk about uptown. You knew there'd be a backlash against Sarah Palin, but everybody thought it would come from the Democrats. Sarah Palin was a huge hit at the GOP convention Wednesday. Now comes the real challenge. She has a five-month old baby, a grandchild on the way and a seventy-two-year old running mate. How many diapers a day can one woman be expected to change. Sarah Palin went onstage at the GOP convention Wednesday as people wondered what she'd say during the speech with the media frenzy surrounding her. Everybody was on the lookout for leaks. Nobody really believes she's breast-feeding that infant. Sarah Palin introduced her husband to the GOP convention Wednesday as her high school love. He's a hard-hat member of the Steelworkers Union, a volunteer fireman, and he is part-Indian. Some family values ticket, she's married to the Village People. Sarah Palin's dual Catholic and Protestant baptisms were unearthed Thursday as the media dug into her infancy. Reporters are crawling over Alaska's tundra with magnifying glasses looking for anything. If O.J. Simpson had been investigated this thoroughly his lawyers would be arguing today that lethal injection's too good for him.
9-5-08 Sarah Palin spoke at the GOP convention Wednesday amid partisan fever and tabloid frenzy over her family life. Every day it's a new revelation. It's hard to believe that after sixteen years Hillary Clinton's been replaced by a younger, sexier lightning rod. Sarah Palin made the cover of People and Us magazines Wednesday, which terrified the Democrats. Barack Obama just realized Americans have elected their last four presidents for their entertainment value. He just enrolled Joe Biden in clown college. Sarah Palin was cheered at the GOP convention Wednesday. Her husband, her five kids, her pregnant daughter and the teen father were all there. They were guarded by the Secret Service despite the family's well-known aversion to using any protection. Sarah Palin's Assembly of God pastor became a campaign issue on Sunday. He was taped preaching that critics of President Bush will go directly to hell. It's so cold in Alaska that his congregation rose as one and praised the name of Michael Moore. Florida Congressman Robert Wexler called Sarah Palin a Nazi sympathizer Monday as Madonna was comparing John McCain to Hitler. Republicans are livid. There's no greater insult to the traditional values crowd than to compare them to a Broadway musical. America's Research Group said Monday that traditional back-to-school clothing sales were a bust for retailers last week. The back-to-school sales are bound to pick up after the GOP convention. All the girls are going to need maternity clothes. The New York Post and the New York Daily News were camped out in Alaska Monday gathering every bit of gossip about Sarah Palin they can find. There's so much to cover. Right now Alex Rodriguez could date an underage stripper, bulk up on steroids and assassinate his bookie and no one in New York would hear about it for eight years.
9-4-08 Hurricane Gustav weakened as it made landfall Monday, saving New Orleans. Thank goodness the levees held. The water broke through in some places, but that was just Sarah Palin and her daughters obeying God's command to be fruitful and multiply. Sarah Palin addressed the GOP convention Wednesday. She's pro-life and pro-gun and has a very original way to protect America's borders. Until now no one thought of defeating illegal immigration by boosting the Republican birth rate above Mexico's. Sarah Palin was ripped by Democrats Tuesday for flying pregnant and for having a baby and still working. They also called her bloodthirsty for being a hunter. After Bill Clinton addressed the governors' convention he told her he's game, so she shot him. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol was revealed Monday to be pregnant by her high school boyfriend. He brags on MySpace about being a redneck. It's the first time anyone's ever thought there's a fine line between Romeo and Juliet and the Jerry Springer Show. President Bush issued a statement Tuesday saying Sarah Palin's family problems are a private matter. He must be so relieved. Who would have thought a year ago that his biggest failure as president would be his abstinence education program. Sarah Palin reportedly attended Alaska's Independence Party convention fourteen years ago. They stand for secession from the United States. Her nomination is the most original way for Republicans to carry the South since Nixon opposed forced busing. Lindsay Lohan wrote Tuesday that people are focusing too much on Sarah Palin's family and not enough on her views. Paris Hilton recently detailed the best energy plan by far. Who'd have ever thought our nation's best think tank is Beverly Hills AA.
9-3-08 John McCain and Sarah Palin flew to Mississippi's emergency disaster response center Sunday. The Alaska governor is already paying dividends for the ticket. She saved the campaign forty dollars when she went outside and killed something for lunch. John McCain's running mate Sarah Palin said Monday that her seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant and plans to marry the father. It's no surprise. The Palin clan is anti-abortion and pro-gun, which means that shotgun weddings are all they know. Sarah Palin asked for privacy after her daughter's pregnancy was revealed. Not at this level. Until her boyfriend in Alaska was named as the father, the National Enquirer was looking everywhere for a picture of John Edwards wearing a sealskin coat.
9-2-08 John McCain defied conventional wisdom Friday by picking Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. Everyone is getting to know her. As soon as the press reported that her favorite food was moose, Rocky and Bullwinkle endorsed Barack Obama. Governor Sarah Palin's image as a frontier woman with a rifle in one arm and a nursing baby in the other arm formed quickly Friday as her record as governor of Alaska came out. Republicans were rapturous. Yesterday an evangelical in Ohio put a piece of white bread in the toaster and when it popped out, Sarah Palin's picture was on it. Sarah Palin was cheered by freshly energized Republican crowds Saturday out on the trail. She is a beauty queen, a pro-lifer, a conservative, a creationist, and a hunter. Her nomination had evangelicals dancing, and now they face eternity in hell. Focus on the Family founder James Dobson was overjoyed by Sarah Palin's choice as John McCain's running mate on Saturday. He referred to her selection as the miracle in Dayton. Any other day, a miracle in Dayton is when you bowl a four hundred.
9-1-08 Senator John McCain shook up the presidential race Friday by choosing Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin to run with him on the Republican Party ticket. If nothing else, the senator stayed true to form. He dumped Mitt Romney for a trophy running mate. Sarah Palin gave a crowd-pleasing speech after she was selected by John McCain Friday. Conservatives were thrilled and women were just ecstatic. President Bush called her and congratulated her on her Olympic gold medal in women's beach volleyball. GOP convention delegates gathering in Minnesota Friday were overjoyed by Sarah Palin's selection. It fit the party's most pressing need this week. They had to have a candidate with no risk of being arrested in the Minneapolis airport men's room. Sarah Palin was slammed by environmentalists for her record on wildlife issues Friday because the governor favors shooting wolves from the air. In Alaska they call that predator control. In the Democratic Party it's called keeping an eye on Bill. Sarah Palin's choice Friday let the GOP match the Democratic ticket for exotic appeal. She's from Alaska and Barack Obama's from Hawaii. It's a chance for the Libertarian party to advertise Bob Barr as the candidate of the Lower Forty-Eight. Governor Sarah Palin married Todd Palin twenty years ago in Alaska where there are ten men for every woman. The atmosphere is crazy up there. Women are warned not to look for husbands in Alaska, where the odds are good but the goods are odd.
© Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. Material may be quoted with attribution. Please identify Argus as "Comedian Argus Hamilton." Click here for the Sunday tidbits® puzzle
|
