Tabloid update: Obama's gay lover! Kate's cocaine scandal!
America Wants to Know knows what you're thinking. "Doesn't she have to go to the grocery store yet?"
Thank you for your patience, your tabloid update is here.
"Revealed! Michelle's fury!" the Globe shouted last week, "Incredible charge: Obama's gay lover works in White House!"
You know it's not going to be much of a story when even the Globe thinks it's not credible.
"According to an incredible Internet charge," the Globe says, President Obama's gay lover is his "body man," Reggie Love.
That's really his title, "body man." He's the guy who carries the Nicorette gum and holds the suit coat while the president works the rope line and reads the Teleprompter.
Anyway, the Globe says Reggie Love (don't look at us, that's really his name) is paid $112,500 a year by the taxpayers to attend to the president's every need.
There's no "insiders reveal" sourcing for this story, the Globe just cited an unnamed blog and some anonymous people who posted comments on it.
And that's it. That's all they had, and it filled two pages that could have been devoted to something genuinely entertaining, like tidbits® puzzles.
This week's Globe, however, is much better. "Breaking news!" the cover announces. "William's bride caught in cocaine scandal! Camilla storms: Cancel royal wedding!"
It seems that just as Prince William's longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton was being "groomed for the throne" with a rare and significant invitation to lunch alone with Queen Elizabeth on August 31, those pesky tabloid reporters at London's News of the World dropped in on Kate's Uncle Gary.
Forty-four-year-old Gary Goldsmith is described as a multimillionaire property developer, and also as a "pot-smoking, cocaine-dealing womanizer who consorts with pimps, drug dealers and lap dancers whle living a playboy lifestyle on the sunny Spanish island of Ibiza."
The Globe says Uncle Gary rooms with a 26-year-old former lap-dancer named Antonia in a four-bedroom villa he calls "Maison de Bang Bang, meaning house of sex."
Those Rosetta Stone disks the Globe bought were certainly a worthwhile investment.
The News of the World reporters pretended to be businessmen, and they say Uncle Gary offered to have cocaine delivered to their door and also tried to set them up with $1,000-a-night Brazilian prostitutes. "You need me as a friend," they say Uncle Gary told them as he stood shirtless in his kitchen, cutting lines of cocaine on the tabletop (they took pictures). He also reportedly bragged that Prince William and niece Kate spent a week with him at the Bang Bang house last year and plan to visit again this summer.
The Globe says the former Camilla Parker-Bowles, now Duchess of Cornwall, is gleeful that commoner Kate is tangled up in this embarrassing scandal. "Scheming Camilla" reportedly views Kate as "the biggest threat to her own dream of one day becoming queen of England," and is telling anyone who will listen that the royal wedding "should be called off immediately!"
Now Kate's plans to marry Prince William "are hanging by a thread with Camilla doing everything she can to sabotage the marriage, sources say."
"Goldsmith is definitely fodder for scandal," the Globe reports. "Kate's mom Carole described her brother as 'unreliable and a waste of space' while another source says he's 'an accident waiting to happen.'"
Oh, no, not the tunnel again. So predictable.
Editor's note: Catch up on your tabloid reading with "Obama gay cover-up", "Bush suicidal! McCain dying! Obama gay!" and "Bush! Cocaine! Clinton! Mistress!"