Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Tabloid update: "Clinton Heart Transplant"

Just when the National Enquirer is accepted into the Pulitzer Prize competition for its John Edwards reporting and you start to think you can believe what you read in the tabloids, the Globe goes and splashes its front page with a headline screaming, "Clinton Heart Transplant!"

The story is completely bogus and we wouldn't even bother to tell you about it, except that you know as well as we do that you Googled for it and now you're here.

Welcome. We won't disappoint you.

"Frantic search for donor!" the cover announces, "Bill's secret battle to stay alive!"

As a matter of fact, there is a picture of Hillary Clinton inside with a rolled-up newspaper in her hands.

But it's nothing the Secret Service can't handle.

No, former President Clinton is not in need of a heart transplant. The Globe reports that he's told friends he's "terrified he has less than two years to live" unless he gets one, but the Globe says "it probably wouldn't solve his cardiovascular problems."

The president's doctors concur with the Globe.

President Clinton recently underwent a procedure to put stents in his arteries, and without getting into a lot of medical detail, there's nothing wrong with his heart.

Nothing that Mrs. Clinton can't fix with a rolled-up newspaper.

Still, the Globe reports that the former president has asked his aides to look into the possibility of a heart transplant, overseas if necessary.

"Bill has friends in high places all over the world and knows he can get a new heart," someone identified as a friend told the Globe, "Even though his wife Hillary and his doctors have all told him he doesn't need to take such a radical step, he won't give up."

Well, we feel for him. He's had a terrible scare. You see things in a hospital that make Stephen King look like Mother Goose.

Hang in there, Mr. President. Things wouldn't be the same around here without the Big Watermelon.

Copyright 2010

Editor's note: Catch up on your tabloid reading with "Clinton! Parkinson's! Michelle! Baby Tragedy!" and "Clinton Only 1 Year to Live!"