Argus Hamilton's column for 7-4-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Independence Day, everybody, and God bless America.

The Music Man airs tonight on Turner Classic Movies as it does every Independence Day. The movie is set at the end of the horse-and-buggy era. Viewers today think it's charming that folks still had enough money to buy band uniforms after they filled up the horse.

The National Beer Wholesalers said Monday Independence Day is the biggest beer-selling weekend all year. It's a three-day escape from the workplace. People may forget the holiday celebrates independence from Great Britain, but tyranny is tyranny.

The Automobile Club predicted Tuesday fewer Americans will be driving anywhere on Independence Day. It's due to astronomical gas prices. Gasoline prices are so high in Los Angeles that rap music moguls are having their shoot-outs on the Internet.

Men's Health released a report Monday urging men to have an active sex life as they grow older. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are much less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it.

Alex Rodriguez gave a teen cancer patient and his dad a ride to Yankee Stadium in his SUV Tuesday. He brought them into the locker room and gave them bats, balls and jerseys. The next day the Boston newspapers ripped A-Rod for driving a gas guzzler.

George Washington's boyhood home was excavated in rural Virginia Tuesday. They found no cherry tree, no cherry tree stump and no hatchet. People are so convinced that all politicians lie that they've been digging for seven years just to confirm it.

Kentucky police arrested a woman in a prostitution sweep in Fort Wright Monday for trading sex for gasoline. The woman was willing to do absolutely anything for oil. It seems like everybody's auditioning to be John McCain's running mate this week.

Rush Limbaugh signed an eight-year deal with Clear Channel Radio Tuesday. It's no wonder they locked him up for eight years. Until Hillary Clinton can run for president again it's going to take a real professional to get any laughs on the radio.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper's State of the City speech was sabotaged Wednesday by a black woman hired to sing the National Anthem. She sang the black national anthem instead. It's the last time he books a singer from the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.

Barack Obama gave a speech Wednesday to promote expanding national service. He wants every college student to serve fifty hours in exchange for a four thousand dollar tuition tax credit. And if you serve one hundred hours you can have it in beer.

John McCain shook up his campaign Wednesday and hired Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign manager, Steve Schmidt. He's just what the candidate needs. Anybody who can make a Republican out of a Hollywood actor might make a Republican out of John McCain.

John McCain went on a fact-finding trip to Latin America Wednesday. While he was in Colombia he went riding on a drug interdiction speedboat called the Midnight Express. It was the first indication that the Republicans have written off California.

Hillary Clinton cleaned up her campaign web site and removed all attack videos against Barack Obama Wednesday. She has also removed all photos of her husband. Anybody can now get to Hillary Clinton's web site by logging onto www.Men-Are-Dogs.com.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio