Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger was accused by a Georgia college girl of sexually assaulting her in a bar. She told the police that he was out of control and wouldn't stop. He should have given the Prius to the valet when he had the chance.

Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade for using her image in its talking baby commercial with the milkaholic baby Lindsay. She's right. Child Protective Services showed up during the shoot after they got a report there was cocaine in the baby's dressing room.

Karl Rove's book My Life as a Conservative came out on Monday about his career campaigning for Republicans. He started with Richard Nixon and he ended up with George W. Bush. He hopes St. Peter buys that progression as a sincere effort to improve.

Democrat Eric Massa says Rahm Emanuel stormed into the House gym shower naked and badgered him to vote for the president's budget. The congressmen was under investigation for groping three male staffers. Rahm Emanuel does a lot of research in order to find out how to give each congressman what he wants in exchange for his vote.

Congressman Eric Massa resigned Monday and went on Glenn Beck's show Tuesday to trade erratic and goofy statements with the host. They didn't need to compete. If Silence of the Lambs is made into a stage production it can play in two cities at once.

Joe Biden went to Israel to work on the Mideast peace process with Israel and the Palestinians. The president sent Biden to a region where one reckless remark could start a world war. Defense stocks rose on news that his plane landed safely in Israel.

Dan Rather told Chris Matthews Saturday that if the White House can't get health care passed, people will say President Obama couldn't sell watermelons on the roadside if a state trooper was stopping traffic for him. It offended many. The idea of cops pulling people over for no reason is still a sore subject in the black community.

President Obama gave House and Senate Democratic leaders a legislative deadline Monday, saying he wants the health care reform bill passed in ten days, before he leaves for Indonesia and Australia. He's flying away on Easter. That's what saviors do.

House Democratic leader Steny Hoyer told reporters Tuesday that Congress was not bound by any White House deadline for passing health care. The congressman had an epiphany. Someone slipped a copy of the Constitution in his Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and he just found out that Congress has more power than the president.

The White House was reported by ESPN Tuesday to be considering banning sport fishing in America. It's a smart move. He's beginning to understand that the only way he can get reelected is if New York and California are the only two states left in the union.

The FBI arrested two Southern Californians Tuesday for taking and passing college tests for young Middle Eastern men so they could keep their student visas. A middle-aged white guy and a blonde college girl posed as young Middle Eastern men in classes and nobody in L.A. questioned them. A lot of people in show business change their names.

Howard Dean led protests outside an insurance conference in Washington Tuesday to demand national health care. He's not helping the situation. If he didn't march people outside in the cold and in the rain they might not get sick in the first place.

Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer proposed a national ID card for everybody who has a job in America. Civil liberties lawyers and gun rights advocates hit the ceiling. It's the first time they've been on the same side of an issue since Yorktown.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio