HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody? The Rolling Stones announced that their U.S. stadium tour in April will include a show in the Rose Bowl as the Stones keep rolling indestructibly along. Last weekend Keith Richards posted photos of himself looking very happy with his two little granddaughters. After they die, he inherits everything. Cook County Jail released R. Kelly Friday after he paid his delinquent child support just days after Kelly was bailed out on his sex abuse charges. He’s down but not out. Martha Stewart is rumored to be partnering with R. Kelly in a new chain of restaurants that specialize in Split Pea Soup. Robert Kraft’s Asian massage spa owner Nancy Li Yang is a Trump donor who owns dozens of spas and was a guest at his Super Bowl party. She runs women in from Vietnam, China, Korea and Japan. When Republicans celebrate International Women’s Day, no country in Asia goes unsolicited. Stevie Wonder took up for Michael Jackson Friday in the wake of the horrendous revelations in the new HBO documentary. It’s not the kind of testimony that’d stand up in court. Stevie Wonder said he spent a lot of time with Michael Jackson and he never saw him touch children once. President Trump toured tornado-damaged towns and met with victims of last week’s storms in Alabama, where the president autographed Bibles for them. He loves the book. Trump owns such a new, modern revised translation of the Bible that the Sixth Commandment reads Thou Shall Not Admit Adultery. The Centers for Disease Control said the U.S. fertility rate continued falling last year. The good news is, there’s evidence the Millennials have finally started having babies. Last year the three most popular baby names were Liam, Emma and Josh while this year they are OMG, WTF and LMAO . The New York Post reported that billionaire Israeli diamond broker Ehud Laniado died on the operating table while undergoing penis-extension surgery Tuesday in Belgium. He was sixty-five years old. Eyewitnesses say the operation was going well when suddenly, he took a turn for the nurse. NASA astronomers working with the Euro Space Agency reported Sunday they’ve been able to correctly calculate the mass weight of the Milky Way. We’re all spinning. They say the earth is rotating at a rate of one thousand miles an hour, but humans can’t feel it until the ninth or tenth beer. Jussie Smollette was indicted for staging a racist attack on himself. He hired two Nigerians to pose as Trump supporters and assault him. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is angry at herself for not staging this kind of attack on herself first, but with two flatulent cows posing as the Trump supporters. The Wall Street Journal said many investors are putting back-up disposable income into gold, silver and classic cars as inflation hedges. A custom-made Bugatti sports car sold on Friday for sixteen million dollars. The car is so luxurious that the cup-holder is an Englishman named Reginald. Car and Driver reported a study on the safety of driverless cars that discovered driverless cars like the Tesla may not stop for pedestrians with dark skin. Now the political divide in this country extends to cars. We always knew Prius is a Democrat, now this study proves that Tesla is a Republican. The Santa Anita Racetrack was shut down in the middle of racing season due to animal safety concerns on Thursday. Twenty-one horses died from injuries during races in the last two months. On a happier note, the Sizzler in Glendale is offering a two-for-one special on their eight-ounce steak. Congresswoman Ilhan Omar followed up her anti-Semitic remarks by calling Barack Obama a murderer. David Duke just backed Ilhan Omar, saying she’s one of the most important people in Congress. I predict they will end up becoming BFF’s and go shopping for head coverings together.
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