Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2019

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The CDC reported the U.S. birth rate will continue falling for a tenth straight year. A study says that twenty-eight percent of Millennial men haven’t had sex in a year due to a lack of available women to pursue. That’s not going to get any better now that Tiger Woods is sexually attractive again.

Tiger Woods spoke to reporters after his win Sunday and expressed his gratitude for still being able to play golf. He’s no spring chicken anymore. I don’t want to say Tiger is starting to get old, but the last time he picked up a waitress at the Waffle House, he was there for the Early Bird Special.

President Trump announced he will give the Medal of Freedom to Tiger Woods. He overcame a back operation, knee injuries, painkiller addiction and a sex scandal that broke up his marriage involving fourteen mistresses. Leave it to Trump to award the Medal of Freedom for being unfaithful.

The Mueller Report on the Trump-Russia probe will be released by Attorney General Bill Barr today in Washington, D.C. It probably leaves out all the good parts. I could send you a report saying I’ve been sober and cocaine-free all my life if I had an attorney general around to redact my Twenties.

French authorities began taking stock of all the fire damage to the Notre Dame Cathedral on Tuesday as the world rallied to raise money for repairs. The fire displaced all of the live-in staffers and custodians and church bell-ringers. Quasimodo is now the Hunchback of the nearby Holiday Inn.

French billionaires led the way Monday making pledges in the hundreds of millions of dollars to rebuild Notre Dame. The U.S. answered the call. As soon as Trump heard the news that Notre Dame burned down, he authorized FEMA to spend one billion dollars to rebuild the football stadium.

President Trump expressed our nation’s sorrow to France about the Notre Dame Cathedral’s burning Monday in a direct message to Paris. He tried to help. However they rejected Trump’s suggestion that they put out the fire by having a helicopter fly overhead and drop his tax returns on it.

New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft received a standing ovation at a Boston Celtics playoff game. Getting busted at an Asian massage parlor taught him a lesson. If you want to spend Sunday morning with three hookers without risking getting arrested and losing your NFL franchise, play golf.

The Weather Channel reported that an April blizzard shut down Chicago in snow and ice. The local civil rights community is at war with Chicago’s Police Union and the homicide rate is through the roof. The city’s tourist slogan is Come to Chicago for the Food, Stay Because You Got Murdered.

Democrat mayor Pete Buttigieg became the first gay to run for president Sunday. He called for more civil discourse. Most Americans no longer say racist, sexist or homophobic things, not because we are sensitive, but because people who say those things are always the first to die in a horror movie.

The South China Post reported that a dog was found swimming for its life one hundred and thirty miles off the Korean peninsula Sunday. Reaction to the rescue varied. In most newspapers around the world, the dog is described as heroic, except in Korea, where the dog is described as sushi.

Soviet dictator Josef Stalin received a seventy percent approval rating from Russians Monday in a poll that showed Russia nostalgically swinging toward autocracy again. Stalin communized Russia by executing millions of small farmers then later liquidated the Red Army officer corps, all the while murdering every political rival. Stalin the only man to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize just for dying.


© Copyright 2019 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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