HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody? The Comedy Store this week will mark my forty-third-year anniversary performing at the huge three-showroom nightclub on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood. It’s been one long joy ride. I just walk onstage every night wearing a white suit and everybody thinks they’re getting free chicken. The Daily Mail reports London police are clamping down on crime after new statistics showed London’s crime rate surpassed New York’s. Last week, the newspaper reported London police arrested a man for offering a woman food if she’d have sex with him. He’s been charged with dating. President Trump delivered a rollicking two-hour speech to the CPAC convention Saturday. They cheered his strong stance against illegal immigration. The Trump Doctrine states that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day, but if you deport that man, you won’t have to feed him at all. Pfizer Pharmaceuticals disclosed it will begin marketing a generic Viagra pill. It’s to compete with the other generic pills now flooding the market since Pfizer’s patent on Viagra’s formula just expired. Viagra wasn’t Pfizer’s first choice for the name of the pill, but Wishbone refused to negotiate. New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft pleaded not guilty Thursday to soliciting prostitutes at the Orchids of Asia massage parlor in Jupiter, Florida. The billionaire could be cleared even though there was videotape. He’s pleading emotional distress, claiming she was a Companion Hooker. The New England Patriots character coach Jack Easterby resigned after six years on Friday. He’s earned a promotion. As Pats character coach during Spy-gate, Deflate-gate, a tight end convicted of murder and the owner getting busted over Asian hookers, he’s clearly qualified be Senate Chaplain. Men’s Fitness magazine outlined an exercise plan for Baby Boomers that will add ten years to a man’s life that includes diet. It’s important to include common sense in your exercise regimen. Yesterday at the gym, I saw an idiot put a bottle of water on the treadmill where the Pringles can goes. Michael Jackson’s surviving family protested the HBO documentary about The King of Pop’s private life, calling it slanderous. It describes Neverland as a palace of opulence, bizarre artwork and horrific child abuse. Picture Vatican City with a roller coaster, a petting zoo and Bubbles the Chimp. Osama bin Laden’s son took over al-Qaeda and re-stated its vow to kill Americans. If THAT’s their goal why don’t they just go into the fast food business? I can promise them that Kentucky Fried Chicken’s killed more Americans than Ulysses S. Grant and Asian drivers combined. The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that Martha Stewart has been hired by the Canadian cannabis company Canopy Plants to advise on how to make marijuana products for humans and pets. This ought to be fun. Martha’s first recipe will be a Caesar’s Salad you can either eat or smoke. The New York Post reported that a Canadian man last week filled up a hundred balloons with helium, then tied the balloons to his lawn chair, strapped himself in with a belt, and flew over Calgary. Upon landing he was arrested. He has been charged with stealing Canadian military secrets. California parents are protesting the new state education curriculum that teaches first graders about sexual identity. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced Friday that their baby will be raised with a fluid approach to gender. Goodness, they won’t know WHERE to stick the silver spoon. California’s South Coast Air Quality Board listed the effects of poor air quality on health and suggested ways that people and businesses can help improve the air quality. Oxygen is something we take for granted. I never realized how expensive air is till I bought a bag of potato chips yesterday.
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