HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody? House Democrats revealed plans to introduce gun control legislation in this session of Congress Friday, believing that the time is politically right. Any federal law should be simple. No one should be allowed to own a gun who has a criminal record, a psychiatric record or a Barbra Streisand record. Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders spoke to twelve thousand cheering fans in Chicago Saturday night, where the old guy vowed that he will completely re-make the United States. Bernie said he’s still got one question about Hillary’s e-mail scandal. What the hell is e-mail? President Trump fed Big Macs and fried chicken to the champion North Dakota State football team at the White House Monday. Last weekend a man survived five days stranded in the snowy woods with only packets of Taco Bell sauce for food. Doctors say his diet was still better than Trump’s. Hillary Clinton used her Southern accent in Selma Sunday to blame her election loss on black voter suppression in Wisconsin. We can recite her rituals by heart by now. It seems like it was just ten days ago that Luke Perry reported he had evidence that would lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton. Stormy Daniels’s managers arranged for her to perform stand-up comedy tonight in Houston at the Joke Joint. Between porn shoots, Stormy just did a tour of strip clubs and now she plans to be a stand-up. President Trump’s economy is doing so well it’s got some people working three jobs. Norway’s Nobel Committee said President Trump’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize was forged this year and last and is invalid. That should spare Norway. Anglo-Saxons have always considered any peace prize the equivalent of the Yellow Feather, an insult you are required to answer. NBC News reported over the weekend three more Democrats piled onto the presidential race with more to come. So far the primaries look like twenty socialists versus Trump. Women in Iowa are asked by police to chill with the make-up until we can get this scary clown situation under control. Coffee News reports that climate change in South America is causing coffee growers in Brazil to switch crops to cocoa, which could cause a drastic spike in the price of coffee. This is very bad news indeed. People love to drink coffee all day because it keeps you awake until it’s time to get drunk. Russian president Vladimir Putin stoked world tensions on Monday by pulling Russia out of its long-standing missile treaty with the U.S. We’re not his only problem. The good news is, thanks to global warming, the German Army will finally be able to successfully invade Russia in the winter. Livermore Laboratory astronomers said Tuesday that an unusual number of asteroids whizzed by the Earth last year without any collisions. It’s hard to hit a moving target. The earth is rotating at a speed of one thousand miles per hour, but human beings don’t feel it till the eighth or ninth beer. Maine former governor Paul LePage raised eyebrows Friday by praising the Electoral College because he says it keeps white people in power. Response was swift. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez heard what he said and vowed she will someday make the Electoral College tuition-free. Advertising Age advised companies that product branding is vital to keep a company’s services on the consumer’s minds. Still, it never made any sense to me that United Airlines sticks its logo on the plane’s emergency lifejackets. You’d think that’s the last place they’d want to have product placement. The House Judiciary Committee started an investigation to see if President Trump committed obstruction of justice. It won’t be long before they learn FBI Director James Comey cost Hillary the election, and Trump fired Comey for making him president. It ruined his plans to host Apprentice DC.
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