2-18-08

The Senate Ethics Committee admonished Senator Larry Craig Wednesday over his Minnesota airport bathroom arrest. They said he shouldn't have flashed his business card at the arresting officer. If they said soliciting sex with strangers was unethical, there would be so many vacant Senate offices it would look like the foreclosure crisis.

1-18-08

The American Civil Liberties Union said Wednesday that sex in a public bathroom stall is private and legal. It's sad. All the work that public health officials did to convince people they cannot get AIDS from a toilet seat is pretty much down the drain.

1-11-08

Senator Larry Craig's lawyer appealed his lewd conduct bust in an airport bathroom. It just isn't fair. They strip everyone down at airport security and expect senators to control themselves, which is like asking the pilots to stop at half a beer.

12-6-07

The Senator Larry Craig doll was introduced in toy stores nationwide on Monday, just in time for holiday gift buyers. We will never know if there's any lead paint on this doll. Anybody who gets lead poisoning will just say he got it from a transfusion.

12-5-07

Senator Larry Craig denied eight more charges of men's room sex Sunday and said he still intends to fly to Bali for a global warming summit next week. What courage. He already sings first tenor and now he's going to land at an airport in a strict Muslim country.

12-4-07

Senator Larry Craig was named by five more men Sunday who say they had sex with him in restrooms, initiated by the same hand signals he gave in Minnesota. He's just following the oldest rule in show business. If you have an act, you will always work.

10-18-07

Senator Larry Craig complained on NBC News Tuesday that Mitt Romney threw him under the bus when his bathroom arrest became public. The presidential candidate shouldn't have been afraid to stand by him. It's sitting next to him that's dangerous.

10-17-07

Senator Larry Craig went on NBC News Tuesday to explain his side of the men's room arrest. He said he's a victim of profiling. The undercover cop in the next stall heard his feet tapping on one-three and knew he'd reeled in a Great White.

10-16-07

Senator Larry Craig was inducted into Idaho's Hall of Fame Saturday. It was very unsatisfying for him. Larry Craig is responsible for thirty-five years of highway and dam and bridge construction in Idaho, but do they call him Larry the Bridgebuilder?

10-12-07

Senator Larry Craig is inducted into Idaho's Hall of Fame tomorrow. He should stop apologizing. If strangers didn't meet for anonymous sex and then disappear from each other's lives forever, many of our nation's lawmakers would never have been born.

10-11-07

Senator Larry Craig will be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame this Saturday despite his men's room arrest. They couldn't very well rescind the honor. It would defeat the purpose of the hall of fame to vote him out now that he is actually famous.

10-9-07

Larry Craig said Friday he will stay in the Senate despite promising to resign if his lewd conduct guilty plea was upheld. No one can pin him down. You'd think from the way he is trying to squirm out of this that he was busted in the wiggle room.

10-8-07

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said Friday he will remain in the U.S. Senate. He's defiant. Even though he's been caught red-handed and he can't withdraw his guilty plea, he is not resigning from the U.S. Senate and he's not giving up his Olympic medals.

10-7-07

Senator Larry Craig's guilty plea to lewd conduct was upheld on Thursday. It's caused men to be more careful. Every batter in the Major League Baseball playoff games has narrowed his stance so that no one will think he's coming on to the catcher.

10-4-07

Minneapolis Airport lowered the men's room stall dividers Friday after Senator Larry Craig's arrest last month. They now extend from the ceiling to the floor. It proves once again that public improvements never get done until somebody gets hurt.

10-3-07

Idaho Senator Larry Craig withdrew his Senate resignation Friday as he battles his arrest for lewd conduct in an airport men's room stall. He may have the law on his side. Where does it say that it's a crime for Republicans to reach out to gays?

10-2-07

Minneapolis Airport lowered the bathroom stall dividers to the floor Friday to discourage flirting. They'll never be able to stop sex in airport men's rooms. Guys figure even if they get caught, the fine is less than three drinks at the airport bar.

9-28-07

Larry Craig tried to withdraw his lewd conduct guilty plea in Minneapolis this week. His GOP Senate colleagues are trying to help save his career. They hired the Washington D.C. madam to set him up in a straight sex scandal, hoping it re-programs him.

9-27-07

U.S. Senator Larry Craig withdrew his guilty plea to lewd conduct in a men's room in Minneapolis Tuesday. The arguments were heated. At one point the senator got so angry he stomped his feet three times and the judge went back to the hotel with him.

9-26-07

Idaho Senator Larry Craig will try today to withdraw his guilty plea to lewd conduct in a men's room in Minneapolis. He was trying to meet someone for anonymous sex. It's a lesson that no matter how old you are, you should learn to use a computer.

9-23-07

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Thursday he was trying so hard to find GOP senators to vote for more troop rest that he even called Idaho's Larry Craig. It was a good idea. Who's more likely to vote for more rest for the troops than Mr. Restroom himself?

9-20-07

Senator Larry Craig returned to work Tuesday after his arrest for lewd conduct in an airport men's room. The problem is free time. Airports should install slot machines to give people in the closet something else to do during their flight delays.

9-19-07

Minneapolis Airport officials said Monday tourists are swarming the men's room where Larry Craig was arrested. It's the biggest tourist attraction in Minnesota. The Twins went into the toilet in September just to see if it would boost attendance.

9-16-07

Senator Larry Craig got a court date Tuesday to allow him to try to erase his arrest for lewd conduct in a public men's room. He's a poor excuse for a lawmaker. Barney Frank would have shrugged off the badge and still picked up the undercover cop.

9-14-07

Senator Larry Craig got a court date in Minnesota to try to reverse his guilty plea for lewd conduct in a men's room on Tuesday. Why doesn't he just give up? He's already ruined two careers, his own and whoever is the congressman from Flushing.

9-13-07

Larry Craig said Monday he would stay in the Senate if he can erase his guilty plea to lewd conduct charges. If the incident forces him to retire he will still receive a lucrative pension. It gives everybody a whole new definition for pay toilet.

9-12-07

Senator Larry Craig withdrew his guilty plea for lewd conduct Monday. It taught everyone a lesson. You can peep into the life of a depraved senator hustling sex in an airport men's room, and it's still no match for what you can find on the Internet.

9-11-07

Idaho's Senator Larry Craig filed court papers in Minnesota Monday to withdraw his guilty plea in his airport men's room sex arrest. His Republican colleagues are having a very bad week. The surge isn't working but the urge is as strong as ever.

9-9-07

Senator Larry Craig conceded Friday he would likely resign over his men's room sex bust. Who knows how many congressmen are gay. At last count, half the lawmakers on Capitol Hill want Larry Craig to resign while the other half want his phone number.

9-7-07

Senator Larry Craig remained center stage Tuesday after NBC Nightly News broke the story that he will fight to keep his Senate seat. You can't make it up. The newscast was sponsored by Flomax, for men who want to spend less time in the men's room.

Senator Larry Craig hired a top lawyer Tuesday to defend him before the Senate Ethics Committee. He's very strong on national security. Larry Craig's defense is expected to argue that warrantless foot-tapping is necessary to protect the homeland.

9-6-07

Jerry Lewis caused a nationwide uproar during his Labor Day Telethon on Monday when he called somebody a name that's considered very offensive to people who are gay. The criticism turned out to be unfair. The stage manager's name really was Larry.

Senator Arlen Specter urged Senator Larry Craig Sunday not to resign and to fight the lewd conduct charges. No one wants him to go. Lately Americans are a lot less concerned about a senator's family values than they are about his entertainment value.

Larry Craig said Tuesday he will fight the charges of sex solicitation by foot-tapping in a men's room stall. He could survive. By claiming restless leg syndrome he thinks he can keep his job in the Senate under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

9-5-07

Bill Clinton joined his wife at a New Hampshire fair Sunday and was cheered by the crowd. He's trying hard not to embarrass her. The only time he taps his foot in the men's room is when there is a Hong Kong donor in the next stall and the check is late.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig on Monday hired Michael Vick's attorney, Billy Martin. He negotiated Michael Vick's dogfighting plea. It's possible that Larry Craig has decided to plead innocent to disorderly conduct and guilty to cockfighting.

Newsweek said Larry Craig's arresting officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, has a photo of himself with Dick Cheney on his desk. Let's guess how that happened. He tried to bust Dick Cheney for lying to start a war and that was how he got assigned to the bathroom.

9-4-07

Senator Larry Craig resigned Saturday in the wake of his arrest for soliciting gay sex in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Blame the media. After forty years the Mountain West is still paying the price for there never being a woman on Bonanza.

Robert Novak reported Saturday that Larry Craig's Senate colleagues were not surprised by his lewd conduct arrest. His misbehavior was common knowledge among his peers. Whenever they heard a foot tapping in the Senate men's room they would zip up and run.

President Bush phoned Larry Craig after he quit Saturday to wish him well. The president was the only Republican with the courage to publicly console his fallen friend. Karl Rove wasn't gone one day and the president's heart was back in his chest.

President Bush held a Pentagon meeting Friday to discuss the dwindling options in Baghdad. The Bush administration is facing the same dilemma in Iraq that Larry Craig faced at the Minneapolis men's room. It's a lot easier to go in than to come out.

9-3-07

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho stepped down from his U.S. Senate seat Saturday. He leaves behind a legacy of achievement. For as long as this Republic shall endure, men will sit in airport bathroom stalls with their feet no wider than their shoulders.

9-2-07

Idaho's U.S. Senator Larry Craig called a press conference Tuesday to insist he is not gay. He had just pleaded guilty to lewd conduct in a men's room. The senator said he loves his wife, his family, his state and whoever's sitting in the next stall.

Larry Craig was arrested in a Minneapolis airport men's room for lewd conduct in June. The detective's report was airtight. You would think a vice squad with those observational skills would notice if a bridge was about to go down on the river.

Larry Craig's pick-up technique was described in his arrest report Tuesday. He would signal the man in the next stall by tapping his foot and waving his hand. They have really got to stop playing Broadway show tunes over the airport P.A. system.

Senator Larry Craig was denounced by his fellow Republican senators Wednesday and urged to resign following his men's room sex bust. He's struggling hard to survive. He loves living in Idaho but he may move out of Boise and live in Pocafellow.

The Idaho Statesman quoted three men Tuesday who said they have hooked up with Larry Craig in men's rooms. Meeting for anonymous sex in public bathrooms is more popular than meeting in hotels. There's no paper trail, unless it sticks to your shoe.

Republicans were reeling Tuesday from their third sex scandal in a year. First was Mark Foley with underage pages, then David Vitter with hookers, now Larry Craig in men's rooms. The D.C. Madam is offering sheep to Democrats who want a little airtime.

8-31-07

The Houston Astros fired their hands-on manager Phil Garner Tuesday. He always tried to control his players with hand signals from the dugout. After what happened to U.S. Senator Larry Craig in the airport men's room, nobody wanted to take any chances.

Senator Larry Craig angrily denied giving gay hand signals in a men's bathroom Tuesday. He blamed his guilty plea on an Idaho newspaper. He was looking at their men's underwear ads when it occurred to him to say hello to the man in the next stall.

The Senate Ethics Committee said it will review the lewd conduct charges against Idaho Senator Larry Craig. The story that he'd been arrested for propositioning a man in an airport men's room was broadcast around the world Tuesday. It was the first good day Michael Vick's had in months.

The Idaho Statesman reported Tuesday that Senator Larry Craig had prior gay liaisons at Union Station. It's the third Capitol Hill sex scandal in a year. Some of these lawmakers lead secret lives so creepy President Bush is sorry he started wiretapping.

8-30-07

Senator Larry Craig was arrested in June for lewd conduct with a man in an airport men's room. People were shocked to hear that men meet for sex in airport bathrooms. This explains why there's always a line for the ladies room but not for the men's room.

8-29-07

Idaho U.S. Senator Larry Craig was arrested in June for making lewd advances with hand gestures in an airport men's room. He's a supporter of the NRA. The arresting officer didn't buy his explanation that he was showing a guy how Hitler killed himself.

© Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.  Material may be quoted with attribution. Please identify Argus as "Comedian Argus Hamilton."

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