Argus Hamilton's column for 7-13-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Jesse Jackson was caught by a microphone saying he's so angry at Barack Obama for talking down to black voters that he'd like to cut off his testicles. Let's hope he doesn't. Otherwise Barack Obama may be giving his acceptance speech in Denver at Mile High Voice.

Alex Rodriguez was named by a Boston stripper as a former lover Tuesday. She kept him up all night four years ago to help her Red Sox beat the Yankees in the playoffs and win their first World Series in eighty years. The Chicago Cubs just put her on retainer.

Brett Favre text-messaged the Green Bay Packers Saturday saying that he wanted to cancel retirement and play again. His farm income isn't even enough to pay his gasoline bills. This morning he took his shotgun behind the barn and put down his SUV.

Los Angeles was infested with new swarms of mosquitoes carrying West Nile Virus Wednesday. They breed in abandoned swimming pools of foreclosed homes. The virus makes people listless and inattentive, so it's virtually undiagnosable in Los Angeles.

Formula One's Max Mosley sued the London Mail Monday to defend his right to enjoy kinky sex. He says the hookers who spanked him on video were dressed as German guards, not Nazis. Reality show producers are following this trial like it's the pennant race.

The American Society for Plastic Surgery said Thursday cosmetic procedures are down this year. Gym memberships fell nationwide for the first time in decades. It turns out that walking ten miles to work every day can turn anybody into a supermodel.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called upon President Bush Wednesday to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. If he did this it would lower gas prices and lower the profits of oil companies. He hasn't worked this hard to give it all back now.

Barack Obama told a town hall meeting in Georgia Wednesday that parents need to make sure their kids are able to speak Spanish. So that's his economic policy. He is going to have Americans pose as illegal immigrants so they can get low-paying jobs.

Barack Obama apologized Wednesday for allowing his ten-year-old daughter to be interviewed by Access Hollywood. He vowed that it won't happen again. Already Annie Leibowitz is following the candidate's family everywhere with a bed sheet and a camera.

Barack Obama asked Germany's permission to address a German throng at the Brandenburg Gate just like Jack Kennedy did. He's going to accept the nomination in a stadium like Jack Kennedy did, and he's campaigning with Jack Kennedy's daughter. If Barack Obama was any more like Jack Kennedy he would be in as much trouble as Alex Rodriguez.

John McCain brushed off Bill Clinton's remark Monday that it's just a matter of time before a former POW snaps and relives the nightmare of his imprisonment. Every prisoner has flashbacks. For John McCain it was Hanoi, for Bill Clinton it's marriage.

John McCain was asked Tuesday about the tenfold increase in cigarette sales to Iran. He joked that it may be a good way of killing Iranians. In the midst of the uproar over his comment, Dick Cheney called and offered him fifty dollars for the joke.

Iran test-fired nine Shahab Threes over the Persian Gulf Wednesday, missiles which can reach Israel. However in Israel, the top news story was a sex scandal involving a former president. Your television ratings are zilch if everybody is in the basement.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio