Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The British Open was won by Padraig Harrington Sunday as Greg Norman collapsed on the final nine holes of a major championship, as usual. He's blown every major championship at least once. Greg Norman can't even hold down the Grand Slam at Denny's.

The People's Improv Theater in New York Friday started a Naked Comedy Showcase where comedians perform nude. A lot of people are afraid it could catch on. Joan Rivers just called up her plastic surgeon and asked if she can have a volume discount.

The Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger as the Joker had the biggest opening weekend in movie history Sunday. Now all the studios are looking for projects for Heath Ledger. Universal is trying to find out if it still has the rights to The Mummy.

The Dayton Air Show in Ohio was interrupted Sunday when a diverted Northwest Airlines jet was forced to make an emergency landing on the audience-lined runway. The plane made an uneventful landing. The audience demanded their money back.

President Bush spoke with the U.S. Olympic team at the White House Monday before they took off for China. The athletes were warned that their BlackBerrys could be copied, their cell phones could be tapped, and their hotel rooms could be searched. This is the last time they stay in a hotel President Bush reserves for them.

Iraq endorsed Barack Obama's plan to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months. The candidates have similar plans. John McCain favors pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months, if time's still measured in months a hundred years from now.

Saturday Night Live producers announced Monday the show will start four weeks early this fall to lampoon the presidential race. They will only do Obama jokes in the first thirty minutes of the show. After midnight it's technically the Lord's Day.

Barack Obama's campaign refused Monday to let a New Yorker reporter board its media plane. They're mad over the cover cartoon depicting Barack as a Muslim and Michelle as a terrorist. Nobody likes to be drawn ten pounds heavier than they really are.

Barack Obama visited three Arab countries in the Middle East last weekend. It's a different world. Two-thirds of Egyptian men polled Friday admitted they sexually harass women at work, which tells you that two-thirds of Egypt is under construction.

New York subways will be saturated with an ad campaign promoting Islam in September, which critics say is a Trojan Horse for recruiting terrorists. There's nothing to worry about. What's the likelihood of knocking down a skyscraper with a hijacked subway train?

Focus on the Family's James Dobson told evangelical Christians Monday he never thought he would say this, but he may back John McCain. He looked pretty happy. How often do evangelicals get to side with evil, even if it is the lesser of the two?

John McCain flew up to Maine Monday to speak with former President Bush at his home in Kennebunkport. The cameras showed them shaking hands at the front door. Former President Bush wanted to personally welcome John McCain into the One Term Club.

Whoopi Goldberg insisted on her right to say the N-word Friday. It's a Southern thing. Blacks say the N-word, but not around white people, rednecks say the N-word in jokes, but not around black people, and Anglo-Normans say the N-word, but only at white guys who can't drive, stoplights that turn red, and golf balls that go out of bounds.

Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio